Be Mine

Everything in my view is dark and noisy. All I could hear was the sound of the pouring rain outside. I was asleep, I remembered, but I felt the noise all around me. I'm no longer in solitude because my thoughts are noisy and how I am coping the situation I imagine it like it's a house music on the dance floor. I felt the coldness of the room from air conditioner and the sound of music mixed with people's cheers. I still closed my eyes and when everything was dark then I felt the flickering-colored lights. The hyped of cheering on my ears so tempting that I want to open my eyes. And, I opened my eyes. 

When I opened my eyes, I was on the edge of the dance floor. Everyone cheered on those on the dance floor. I know them. They on the dance floor. Those whom I always hope to continue to meet, strangers who feel so close and hold me so tightly, without stopping to guard my steps so I don't fall down. Those who fight very hard and break their bones to be able to continue to reach the top achievements and the highest stars at now. And I'm just a person who learns to love. I stand with the crowd, those who are equal to me, to love them. I didn't expect that everything felt so close even though the fog was dark and dim around me in the room. I see people who like them, and I feel that this place and time is different. It's like someone is celebrating but only a few are invited. I can only be grateful to be here. They were so happy and dancing and singing together, and we on the other side of the dance floor, we were cheering for them. When I looked, among them, he was on the other end side of dance floor. His hair is long, and his bangs are white. I think he dyed his hair. Maybe, it is.

When I realized that he was there, I thought of myself being very happy. Even though this is only a moment, all that we can give together is in fact also only a moment, one time, but I have let go and accepted this time with great joy. I've been waiting so long to see him again. I'm really happy.

He happily enjoys spending time around people he likes. I saw it all and really felt good. This is because we all celebrate happiness in the month of love. I thought he was smiling. A smile that was a relief because he was with the people he cared about, now. In the time we'd been through, this moment just felt so much better. I was just so relieved to see him from a distance. I started walking around the edge of the dance floor and everything became clearer, he was dancing casually like he was enjoying his time together. I can't get close because I thought, I'm just lucky to be here. if I get to enjoy this brief moment of happiness any longer, maybe things will turn out badly. Nightmares, I do not want. Before he sees me I have to leave from here.

Luck is not forever. Like the Princess and the glass slipper, every second brings me to this happy time that will end soon. I found myself just continuing to admire and be grateful for what I was looking at. They don't know me and that's the way it is. I tried to prepare myself that soon we would be separated. This noise sounded increasingly different, the roar of the people cheering mingled with the ruins of the rain. The weather these days is really bad. I feel like a room full of glitters people are partying in the faded dim light. I'm afraid of being erased. I'm afraid my last memory of me here will be me being erased and returning to my darkness and solitude.

I see him who is still happy together, I will walk backwards slowly. I'm trying to hide. It slowly disappeared before being removed from the frame. The other room had a large dark door through which no one entered. No one saw me there, I passed the door to the dark tunnel, I now see nothing. At least the last thing I saw was him chatting with his fans or friends. Who knows. I'm just afraid of losing it, if I'm the cause of everything happening. Isn't that terrible? I don't want that to happen to him again. 

The last thing I held his hand, even I didn't feel anything. In this tunnel of darkness, as I walking at the last moment I want to remember myself always lovingly fondling him from afar.

I just always like the music he plays and sing. I just think from what he can do, I really like him. When I entered to his world, I felt like I really couldn't get close to him in the slightest. Every day I listen to the music they make, and I adore it. I don't see anything else. I don't like anything else one bit. I really like it. It's just what makes me different?

I didn't realize this. 

Even it was clear at that time, love was so big, and I thought it wasn't for me. 

But I start to see it.

I don't really like green. The green color has been embedded in me since I was 12 years old. I thought it was a color I avoided. Then, I met an old friend who is crazy about the color green too. I guess that traumatized me. Green is not my color. I always thought my color was orange. But I never thought my name actually turned out identical to be green, according to most people. And them. And, him. 

I just thought maybe it was a nature color. As my name is natural phenomenon, that's why I like the sound of nature. I didn't really mind, but on this album, I just thought the main song was called "movie" and I think they made it because they like movies too. As time went by, and all the events that happened, I realized that the green album had also a very special beautiful song, "Someday".

Then, he likes that green, at this time even I still didn't get it.

The green color is my name. That he really likes. I did not know. Until, he left, and his friends put my name and color on their concert.

I'm back to remember the point I liked their music for the first time. "Thriller"... I didn't really learn their language; it took me 10 (ten) years to realize it. Why did I love this song actually without realizing my name was being called in the song? 

But he didn't call me. I myself don't really know how I fell in love with him, like admiring the charisma and abilities he has. But if I look at how much I admire their music, openly and honestly, it's all start because of "You're My Angel", how just a rapper line and that music is so good. Very unique in my opinion, it's very strange how K-Pop music is able to make songs with only rapper lines in one band. I feel there is something extraordinary in it and how the song has made our table turned.

Then, the album "Complete" came. I was so alone and "It's Okay" came. I just don't know how that song uplifted me so much. Until I can only surrender. Let me surrender and I don't want anything anymore, I just want God to know and say, "it's okay, Aurora." And God held my hand and continued to be with me.

God always matters throughout my life. And they with the music walk with me. I never thought they really had a close relationship with God. When all of that happened, I realized we are only humans who have flaws and weaknesses.

And when we fall, God will not make us fall down.

Our dark time two years ago, I'm sad because I want to just stop and close my eyes. I thought, I who was only dust would return to dust and the Lord Jesus still told me to live.

When that happened, I knew how he felt. He too might want to give up. Can't do anything anymore. At that moment I knew the world was so terrible. Like a tiger's den. It was pounced on and torn apart until it was devoured not even a single bone remained.

I know. My part is something I never expected. Have you ever felt how it is when someone saves you and it's time to repay and save again? That's all I am. I won't give the tigers a chance to touch him.

Then, when it all comes to an end, there is relief, there is joy, there is also loss.

Something that I can no longer reach will disappear. I know. If I can, I would like also to disappear, if no one keeps inviting me to wake up every morning ever since and say, "love", maybe I wouldn't be here right now. 

Things I never imagined when you were gone, someone else truly gave me the strength and meaning of this life.

And I'm just trying to survive, waiting for you to come home.

I never knew what I really meant. I wish I never knew, until he came back and said Christmas Eve, "God Jul."

To be honest this name was made for me to honor my birthday. That celebrating birth and happiness is important. That name is just to make me continue to love myself when I'm in front of my dark side. Until that second I didn't know what he meant, I could only cry happily.

And he is now in a place where he can continue to see my name in the sky, as those who put my name are at their concerts. All from then, now answered and clearly seen.

And it brought me back down that dark alley. I still here. Cold, because I feel the rain is very heavy outside there. In fact, I realized all of this would disappear. And I stood in front of the window of an old wooden school classroom, and inside was a chalkboard with names written, not very clear, scribbled on. I walked into the room.

That room, I sat down and faced the blackboard. Doodle names, and lots of cute and adorable pictures around the crossed-out names and I'm not afraid to see them. Instead, I smiled feeling the warmth. And, my name is there. My name written on the wall.

I felt some people knew I was coming and so I wanted to leave, I don't know suddenly where they came from the people cheered, gave me a big round of applause. In the dark, I quickly saw them crowded. And when a figure entered from the classroom door, he... He was there.

It's so clear of his appearance, looking at me. I couldn't get out of my chair. He came to me, and I could only cry. He stood in front of me, he held my hand.

"All that time you waited for me and cheered me on." I saw him cry, "I know."

He held my hand so tight and felt them. Something that he knew this only time moment and we both might not seeing each other if God forbids. 

The end of everything when we cried together. Only the time was just the two of us. It was just that an incomprehensible dream-shadow imagination was drawn vividly, and all was one time. Like when we first met, held hands, then left. Just that moment, both of us. To me, which only belongs to me and be mine.