Reserve

As I sat on the sofa, I leaned against an invisible shoulder.  I walked quickly right toward him. He also came toward me, so quickly that we almost hit each other's heads. We both laughed. The obstacle was that I couldn’t see what was holding me back today. 'I shouldn’t have run toward you. If I had been a little faster, we could have ended up hitting each other,' he said. I didn’t say anything. I thought the funnier this meeting began, the better it would be. Yet, typical him, he just a mind-reader. I only smiled and replied, "Let's just go walk, now." yet I remained frozen in space and time, just me and emptiness. We're walking to the city park and just went around, nothing really far but our steps actually might count like a mile. Restless just with him. I simply sat in silence, lost in my thoughts. It's nothing like there's no other place we can be. It's just I found my complete and I don't need to find anywhere else. "If only our ...
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Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

Wave Thrill

I missed him so much, it's like I really want him so bad that he's the only reason I keep going to walkthrough this life. I want him so much, to just be with him, in love with him for the rest of my life. 

I stood near the cliff, this sacred cliff with the sea wave so highly crashing them under. I felt at that moment if I fell, my life would end. And yet, it's just in my vision of the day, when actually I was swimming at public pool at hotel. 

When I out went out from the pool, I just drying myself with towel and with friends around me, I saw him with his friends, across the pool. When I saw him again even from far, I almost broke tears. This time, he's really looking at me. No one else. When I saw him, I knew he's there for me and my heart was throbbing. I am dying with the thrill and goosebumps on my skin. I missed him so much and he was there, as he knew I love him so much. 

I tried to hide, but it made me crying to look away from him. I was wet. I felt I look so bad in front of him. I did my best to not cry, but I felt so alone and he's there. Just to see me. I had to leave first, because I knew I never meant to be with him and they're going take him away from me. If I keep wanting him, it will break my heart. 

I am so much in love with him, I care about him and I just want him to stay by my side. The only thing I can do is keep afar. If I keep afar, it won't hurt both of us. Just to see him from far is fine by me. And, if I keep quiet, it'd be comfortable for him to run to the woman he loves.

I am... I am walking and keep walking and he's keep walking from far to see me and followed me. It's just at the end of this pool, we'd meet. And, we look each other again. I am scared to talk to him, I am scared because he's standing right in front of me. If I look away, even just a second, I knew he'd gone. 

I want him to stay. I want him to stay. I want him but I can't.

So, I am standing on the same cliff. This time, I jumped to the sea and the wave crashing me. I feel numb. I miss him again and not even this cliff and sea wave could washed it away. 

I only think of his eyes. The way he looking at me, so quiet. Like, he's really there for me. And, when I knew he's not really there, I am sure I can't live like this. So, I jumped.

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