Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

Tremble

I found myself on the rooftop garden at the hospital, again. In my dream.

Part I: The Memory Dream
I was standing at the side. And I found my childhood appearance just stood ready for jump. I was crying a lot that time. This dream keeps going every night. But, tonight will be different. I will change the dream.
It's still the same. Suddenly someone shouted from behind of me. I shouted back to not got near. Her voice very trembled. She came nearer and cried, "Turn around,please." She said. I still can't see her face because in that time, I still not turn around. I shouted back, "Go away!" She replied, "I can't! Come down!"
Then, I just look straight to the ground down the building, late night, just see lights from the garden down there and big wind. I still remembered what I said, "I will die anyway. Nobody needs me anyway. Sooner or later." I heard her voice again, "You're not going to die!" I replied, "I will jump!"
And suddenly, someone hold me from back and I fell down to someone's body. It felt dizzy for a while, until her grabbing hands let me go. I’m shaken. It seems like I just didn't realize what I've just done. That someone also waken up and sat in front of me, she slapped my face. That's the first time I saw her face, Shea.
A very pale white-skinned, skinny cheeks, and a bold head. The sickness girl I thought already die weeks before this time. She didn't know, but I knew her before. I used to go to the rooftop, pick up purple flowers and put on her room. She always asleep while I came. But, there was a time that her room just empty. It used to be secret what I've been doing, so I thought she was dead and in this time, she saved me as a ghost.
Shea cried and also shaken. And someone came along, Choi Kang Ta. He shouted my name and walked to me with bodyguards, "Seulong!" He came to me while others came to her. Kang Ta asked, "What's wrong? Why you here?" I just kept look at her. People helped her and I asked, "Is she alright?" And someone told me she was fine. She's not a ghost, she is real. I just jumped to her and hugged her.
The first time I came to the hospital, I was very depression. I got a tumor on my back and it feels very pain while I was asleep. It's very hard to me because I lost my scholarship of swimming. My father, Kim Nam Bi was a Prime Minister of the country. Being a son of a Prime Minister has to have a perfect life. I have no friends to come or even a girl to text me back. I felt so failure and useless. I thought it's better die rather I can't swim anymore.
But, I saw her room, while her sleep, very strange to see a girl with pale skinned, skinny, and bold-haired, with the age just a few years younger than me, I was 21 years old. She looks old. I was scared and asking what's happening with her. The doctor said, "She had also a tumor on her stomach. It was about three years ago. It's quite wild. And her body always weak since she was young." I just found later she weaks because she got HIV when she was 10 years old. Then, three years ago, she got cancer. She just got operated and in recovering. But, she never awake. She made me stronger that time. I talked many things to her while she was asleep.
The last time I went to her room, the last time I brought her the flowers, the last time I held her right hand, I talked, "You should wake up and alive. Promise me." And, I felt her hand grabbed mine a second like she responded me. I found herself has a beauty, a different beauty. I just wish she awaken and we could know each other better.
But, the later night, she's gone. I can't help myself. I just screamed like the world was not fair. The only person I can talk and she's not even awake, they took them away. Days passed and Kang Ta came. He became so strange after his dad passed away last year. But, he still my best friend. And, in my dream, he still there helped me.
I hugged her and she embraced it. The first time, I know she's the reason I live. I let go her and both of us went down the building. There, the dream changes into the beach. Our first and last time date we ever had.
She wore a wig, long black-haired. She's very pretty. We sat together and we kissed. My first kiss. Then, she cried. Me seeing those memories just being a stranger nearer them sitting while I'm playing on the water. I asked her why she's crying and she said, "I’m starving.” Her joke never gets old to make me smile. The operation succeed and she needs to do a tight-diet schedule.
“Hey, you’ll be alright.” I comforted her. Then she said, “One of us could die any minute.” I said, “Don’t say that.”
“Well, let’s be real. You with the back tumor. Me with my fragile body. This thing… ours are not going to make it. It’s not going to happen.”
“I love you." My first time saying it. "Why, now?" I asked. Her thoughts makes me realized how I’m so trembled.
I held her hand, I said, "Let's be a ghost and haunt to each other. Even though one of us shall live then we’ll find someone new, we still never let nobody's alone. Find someone new and never let anybody's alone."
"Hold my hand." She said, "Hold it tight, never let me go." She asked, "Kiss me?" And, I kissed her again.
The beach changes again. It's the last time I saw her. She with her bold-haired. We're waiting for the operation time, my operation to get rid the tumor on my back. It’s 50/50 on chances, but I’ve decided to do it. We're just very afraid and I was afraid. We just looked to each other, holding hands, then my dad came with Kang Ta. My dad greeted her. Then, Kang Ta came to me, it made me let go her hand. She was standing right at the corner. Just silent, looked at the window.
Kang Ta asked me, "Did she know about you're engaged?" I replied, "I will call it off, then" Kang Ta laughed, "Han Ji En will be there when you awake after the operation. You want me to stop her to come?" I didn't answer that.
Han Ji En was my father agreement with one of the big media supervisor in the country, Han Woo Bin. To save my father's name from any bad issues, he put me as the agreement to be that man son-in-law of his only daughter. I never seen her. I just stared at Shea and talked, "Isn't she beautiful?"
Kang Ta then looked at the window, "Why is she here?" I looked out from the window, Oh Ha Na. The woman who ruined Kang Ta's life. She was the wife of the owner of this hospital, Song Kwang Soo. Kang Ta's father was in love with her and thought she will left her husband to be with him. But, even he left Kang Ta's mother, Oh Ha Na didn't love him. Even, Kang Ta's father put some shares under Oh Ha Na's name after he died. I knew her, she never meant such mean things like that. Kang Ta's father just madness in love and blind because of it, then he made mistakes. Kang Ta couldn't forgive his father mistakes and took blame to the innocent Oh Ha Na.
"It's alright, I won't let her to come." Kang Ta knows I still friends with her, she works with my father before I met Kang Ta. The tragedy of Kang Ta's father made our relationship became at edge.
Then, someone's coming. A nurse asking Shea, her mother came to see her. I looked at her face and it seems very hard facial. Shea never told me about her family. In that time, I know she had a mother. I asked her to come before she left the room. I asked her what's happening and she said nothing and back to smile.
I want to hold her hand again but she pulled her own hands. She said, "You're mean. You just let go my hand, before. I will punish you. You shall not die before you can reach my hand, again." I laughed. "Promise?" She seemed very serious. She hugged me, “Don’t be afraid.” She whispered. And I said, "Promise."
The last words of ours. And she turned around, her hand just swung to back nearer me, I almost grabbed it, but I just can't because I was on the bed and she kept walking, never turn around.
Before she's gone, I just now get up from bed and grab her hand. Suddenly, everything turns into shadows. Everyone, Kang Ta, and father. Just her and me who still, the vision of me wearing the hospital suit change into the form of me, this time. I felt healthy and adult while she still looks same. In this time, she turns around.
"You made me promise to catch your hand before I died. But, you just gone. Such a liar. How can I catch your hand when you're just a ghost in my mind?" 
This time, I made a change. I used to let her go. "I'm going to marry someone. I will hold her hands forever. Do you want me to do that? Will you be happy for just haunt me?"
Then, she asked, "Will you happy? Find someone new and never let anybody's alone. We were promised, remember?"
"Well then, Shea, haunt me forever until we meet again." I said. She smiled and her appearance faded. And I woke up. Full of sweats.




Part II: The Hallucinations
This morning, I came to Han Ji En's place. Han Ji En with such pretty face, brown light eyes, and big smile. We're ready for the day of me speaking about my campaign as a candidate prime minister. She helped me to fix my tie before we're get in the car.
She said, "Kang Ta and her girlfriend will be there. 
You're alright?" I just smiled.
Since the day I found Shea's gone, Han Ji En became the love of my life. I used to come to Han Ji En's hug when I suffered with my illness. Shea always be my side in my dream and even for I just couldn't help the problem Shea's shadow won't go away while I’m wake up. And now, our wedding has got the date. Yet, I still struggling with Shea’s hallucinations.
In the car, Han Ji En said, "6 years has passed. Still I can't replace her?" She knew.
I said, "I just told her in my dream last night. I will marry you. And, I love you." We kissed. Then, she cried, "What is it?” I asked
“What if she's there?" she asked, "What if Shea's illusion actually not illusion?" I laughed as I whipped her tears how silly the thoughts. Then she said,
"6 years has passed and just this latest year, the moment we're getting married, the moment Kang Ta brought his girlfriend, Song Hye Ra, the moment she's between us, your sickness becomes wild. You said, she just looks like her, as if the reincarnation. What if Shea is Song Hye Ra?" She cried.
Song Hye Ra, the beautiful girl.  Kang Ta's partner but suddenly they also got engagement. I thought Shea might has a twin, or just her existence somewhere, and very healthy, with beautiful long hair. And, she's Song Hye Ra. I kept wondering about her but, in every time Shea's ghost always there, too. In my thought, Shea's already dead. Han Ji En's thought just impossible.
The car arrived. So many people there. Very crowded. I tried to shake people hands and chat for seconds, and Han Ji En still besides me. In this time, I pick my choice, I hold her hand tight. We both go upstair the stage. They asked me for the speech. I smiled and asked her to keep hold my hand when I speech. She loved the idea. Now, let people see Kim Seulong become for let go Shea behind. I stood still and start to talk.
I do want to be like my father. I do want people know how to be a great leader for the country. As the real life I've experienced about sharing care ness to one to another, for people as we should love our country. As someone told me,
"Love someone as love without stop hold their hands. Until we die. Love our country. Hold it tight with our pride. Until we die. Because I do. And, even I die, I will keep hold the country for the people be merry." My promise to Shea.
And, there, Shea's shadow just running to the crowd of people who watched me from down the stage. She ran, she used to not run. She kept running. That, suddenly she stopped. In that moment, I just shocked and I couldn't help to let go Han Ji En's hand. Shea's shadow stopped next to Song Hye Ra and she just cried. 
I don't know what to do. My feet asking me to go to her. People around me shaking their hands. Blocking my way. I kept walk and walk. She's also walking to get nearer. People just won't stop to jump right front of me. That, finally I was on the backstage and Song Hye Ra standing alone. I came to her.
She smiled and asked, "Do you remember?" She turns so different from who I used to know. She's with the bright skin, great fresh facial, and a real long hair. I touch her hair.
 Since I greeted Song Hye Ra, she’s Kang Ta fiancĂ©. Kang Ta always discomfort to see Song Hye Ra stared at me for many times and spend so many times just to talk with me. It seems Song Hye Ra gives attentions more than me. And, as Han Ji En said that since Song Hye Ra came, I was so scared and that is why I always gave hard times to her. I hated her so much because not just her face looks the same but she seems know exactly my memories with Shea longed before. The flowers and the hospital.
Han Ji En gave me strength to avoid her and all those hallucinations. But, she keeps coming. Song Hye Ra and Shea.
I just realized Song Hye Ra for all this time wants to tell me. She's alive. There, now, she's real in my arms, wants to tell me something, I asked, “It’s you, right. You’re still alive, right, Shea?"
“Oppa…” We looked to each other. “It’s very great to see you great like now.”
“For all this time, my head keep making lies, you as a ghost that haunt me.” I cried. “Why now?”
We both already had someone else, someone new. Same questions, same trembles. From my back, Han Ji En called my name, "Seulong!" I guessed Shea already found her last question. She suddenly pulled back from my arms. I can't just turn around from Shea to look at Han Ji En. I'm afraid she's gone again.
"Hold on! Wait." I hold her hand. "I got you." I squeezed it tight. "I won't let it go, anymore." Suddenly, it seems I don't care about anything. "I love you." Shea just cried. That's the only answer she's been waiting for. And, I just too late to found the time, just now.
She replied, "You’re going to marry, tomorrow. You're mad." Then, she let go off her hand. She just walk away.
“Seulong." Han Ji En's voice from back again. She came closer and said, "You finally seen her."
I replied, "Why now? Why you told me, now? Since when you know?" I just can't turn around. I still can see Shea walk away from me. And, I can't follow her. Han Ji En said, "She told me,but..." Han Ji En hold me from back. She embraced my back so tight. "I just thought it doesn't matter anymore because I already here, right?" A trembled voice. "I thought she will be a burden for your campaign. She will ruin our longest relationship. And, I will hate you for leave me, I will hurt you for using all the medias I had. But, I just can't hate you."
"Why you just told me,anyway?" I asked again. She cried and said, "Because I love you." This time, I just don't know what to do.
And, I looked Song Hye Ra met Kang Ta, both of them then just gone after end of the hall. “I love you. And you’re going to leave me.” She said.
"Tomorrow is our wedding. Don't you just trust me?"  I poured tears. "Please." I said. I can't chase her, anymore. For all this time, I’ve been trembled by my own madness mind.

Part 3: Deception
I back to my place and meet my dad. There's a meeting with Yoon Ju So, our private lawyer. There's about something about Song Kwang Soo. I said, "Is he Oh Ha Na's husband? The owner of the hospital that I used to stay."
Yoon Ju So said, "I've been asked by his lawyer, Im Min Ho, that your father, Kim Nam Bi, should come for the reading of his last wishes letter." My father said, "You should come, my son. To be the witness with Yoon Ju So." I just accepting his request.
Yoon Ju So said that Song Kwang Soo passed away after the longing illness he had. Yoon Ju So also mentioned about the issue that Song Kwang Soo will inheritance his all to his child. I surprised, "Oh Ha Na never had a son." My father replied, "And we will know it, tomorrow."
Tomorrow is my wedding. I shouldn't come to that reading the letter. But, Han Ji En said it's alright. Also, the wedding reception is at night. Kang Ta and Song Hye Ra also come. I've been decided. Long ago, the day after I realized Shea's gone. No matter what, things won't return like days in past. Shea just a ghost in my life.
I slept tonight. I was dreaming about the marriage tomorrow. People came and happy for me. Han Ji En’s walking to the altar and she’s very beautiful. And, there’s the time we declare our wedding vows. She said it very sweet.  But for that moment, the time I should say, "I do", but my tongue got stoned. Han Ji En's waiting. Everyone's waiting. Above all, my sight could see Kang Ta and Song Hye Ra stand. I close my eyes and wondering what if Song Hye Ra is in front of me. There again, Shea's ghost in my head. Han Ji En’s changing into Shea. We both on the altar. Shea, with her bold hair, she's still pretty with her wedding dress. And the pastor asking the questions and we both said, "I do." And, we just done. Nothing to be worry about. But, all of those things were just as if. I woke up and wished if it could be over.

"Do you see her?" I asked Han Ji En. She said, "Song Hye Ra? She standing around the people." It's very hard for me to hear those words. And she held my hand to stand in front of the altar. "She keeps smiling and wave hands to us until gone."
I thought she will cry just like me. The pastor started to blessing. I just look into Han Ji En’s eyes. And, it’s Han Ji En, she saying her vow, “I do.” There, the pastor continue his blessings. Han Ji En starts crying. She just saying words without voice, “I love you…” I could read on her lips. And, I just saying it, “I do.”
We both changed our clothes to come to the inheritance letter of Song Kwang Soo. I was surprised. Not just my father come also, Oh Ha Na. There's also Kang Ta and Song Hye Ra. Father said, "Song Hye Ra... Is that mean they were related?" And, that's just stuck in my head.
Shea is Song Hye Ra. If Song Hye Ra is related with Song Kwang Soo, it means she knows Oh Ha Na. But, for all this time, she never spoken any words. It also means that Kang Ta hides the truth that he also knows that Shea is alive and knows she's Song Hye Ra. But, he also know, he was there, about my relationship and Shea. I shaken.
Im Min Ho speaking, "Mr. Song Kwang Soo written: The all inheritage he had he will gave them to his only daughter, Song Hye Ra. His blood-daughter before married with Mrs. Oh Ha Na. On behalf his apologies to the Choi Family, he inheritage the hospital that he build together to the son of Choi Joo Won, Choi Kang Ta."
I was shocked. They both from the beginning has planned this moment. Oh Ha Na didn't get anything. I look on her face and she's horrible. People start whispering around her. I came to Oh Ha Na. People were mean or what? I can't help it. I tried to comforting her. Her face looks pale and still shocked.
Song Kwang Soo knew his wife mistake. And also my father. The letter keeps going, "Kim Nam Bi, mentioned as the beloved partner, Mr. Song Kwang Soo asked so Song Hye Ra could be in your underwing." And the letter just ends.
Oh Ha Na was left alone when my father accepted the wish from Song Kwang Soo. He shook hands with Kang Ta and Song Hye Ra. When, me and Oh Ha Na were left as victims.  Then, Song Hye Ra and Kang Ta about leaving. Not even once, Song Hye Ra look at me. I run to her and grab her hand. "Am I a fool? You are the daughter of Song Kwang Soo? What kind of joke is this?"
"Let go off my hand."  She pulled her hand from me, "I am the daughter of Song Kwang Soo. Why are you on the side of that woman?" She looks very mean. Shea never mean like this before. "Wasn't she also the person who killed Kang Ta's father? Even my father said that too in his wishes. Yet, you still on her side? Are you not Kang Ta's bestfriend?"
There must be some cheap happens here. They might read the wrong letter. Kang Ta ever promised to make Oh Ha Na's life more  suffering. It must be it. But, Song Hye Ra doing a con-man? She is really very different than Shea.
I looked to Kang Ta, and he said, "Congratulation on your wedding today, Seulong. It must be very exciting  that you're still holding other woman's hand at you wedding day." It hurted me. Then, they're left.
Han Ji En came to me after she accompany Mrs. Oh Ha Na left the house.
"She's a con-man. Kang Ta using her to do the job and use her profile so I won't hard on her." I tried to explain what's my mind.
"She's not a con-man. Song Hye Ra is daughter of Song Kwang Soo and she's Shea. The one who sicked.  You said, HIV.... and cancer. If that's true. Song Hye Ra also still the illness. For 6 years."
I grabbed Han Ji En shoulders. "What does it mean? Do you know something? She said the reason she's gone... and what is it, then?"
"Mrs. Oh Ha Na. She's the one who hides about her. Shea."
Suddenly it reminds me with the memory in my head. The dream that keeps repeating. The last day we're on the room, waiting for the operation. Shea must leaving, the only reason our separation.  And, "Kang Ta looked out of the window. He seen Oh Ha Na. He... She also on the window...." I thought she will come to see me. But, she never come and the nurse said Shea's mother came.
"Seulong, What's happening?" My father came to us. "You both should back to the party tonight on the island." The island, me and Shea promised on the beach. The place I want to get married with her. Now, I'm a married man with someone else.
On that wedding party. I couldn't help myself to seek where's Song Hye Ra. Is she remember our time together? Is she will come? My father said Mrs. Oh Ha Na still come. That's the relieve thing, because I can't just party along the night and Mrs. Oh Ha Na suffered alone.
Han Ji En is very beautiful tonight. She always smile and it makes me comfort. But she knew I'm looking of Song Hye Ra. She's just accompany me like things will be alright. And, there they came.
Song Hye Ra and Kang Ta . The most rich young couple on the country. Song Hye Ra wearing red gown and her hair just she let them all down and they're very silk. Kang Ta with his tuxedo accompany her just so match. They came to us. And, for a while, Kang Ta shaken hand with me and said, "I'm proud of you, my good friend." There he just said it for the meaning he's finally winning the chase yo the top between him and Mrs. Oh Ha Na. Like what he always dream of. But, was Song Hye Ra also always in her plan?
Song Hye Ra just after hugging Han Ji En and they're smile to each other. Something that they're whispering to each other and Song Hye Ra just walking to me. At first, she look down on my shoes and she look up through my face. "Hi, Seulong ssi," last time she called me was Oppa. I couldn't hug her, she shaken my hand. She said, "Congratulation on your wedding." And I said, "Thank you."
She's just walking, then. Like, there's nothing she worry about. Not even once she look back at me. She's so beautiful, like a red rose. But she's not mine.
The wedding just go as it is. Until, there's the accident. Mrs. Oh Ha Na shouted to Song Hye Ra in front of the people. Kang Ta was not there. Mrs. Oh Ha Na just kept saying, "Die! You should've died! You're not my child! Why you ruining my life? Why?!" And, she choke her. People seperated them. Then, my father just arrived with Kang Ta. Kang Ta just right away run to Song Hye Ra. But, at that time, Song Hye Ra said she was fine.
My father shouted to Mrs. Oh Ha Na saying, "You should've shame to yourself!" But, Song Hye Ra suddenly stopped him and saying, "I want to forgive you." Then, she hugged her. She whispered her something, "Just hold on for seconds....wishes." I can see by her lips. But, suddenly, Kang Ta just running so mad and he took a table knife trying to stab Mrs. Oh Ha Na from behind her back. But, it stabbed Song Hye Ra. She made turn places and Kang Ta stabbed her back.
"Shea!!!" I shouted and running. I hold her so tight. "Shea, Shea?!" She squeezed my arm as if she shocked. She said, "Why, you here?" Then, I can't help myself to hug her, "I just lie to myself. And, I felt wrong. I'm so sorry." Han Ji En shouted, "Help! Help! She needs help!" The helicopter came and the doctor asking about her condition, I said, "She lost lots of blood." Han Ji En said, "You should have make it, Shea! Shea!" But she's unconscious. The doctor asking only one relative could come, who should have the same blood. But, nobody's can.
Shea is all alone. For all this time. The helicopter flew her and Han Ji En. The party is over. The police came and take Kang Ta and Mrs. Oh Ha Na. I went out from the island with my suit full of spread blood from Shea. I just want straight to the hospital. At the hospital, Han Ji En hugged me. I cried so hard. The bank blood saved her life. She's asleep. And here I am again, while were you sleeping, I stayed next to you, waiting for you to see me.
"Mrs. Oh Ha Na knew all this time that Shea was the child of her husband before they were married. And, her mother just gone, killed by the same illness. Then, knowing she couldn't grant her husband a child, one day, she's trying to kill Shea. Mrs. Oh Ha Na left her with poisoned alone and thought she was died. But, there's a nurse saved her and report it to Mr. Song Kwang Soo. Since then, Shea got kidney failure because of that poisoned and Mr. Song Kwang Soo hid her. For six years, Shea's been hiding from Mrs. Oh Ha Na so she couldn't hurt her anymore. And, Kang Ta... actually just one of Shea's plan. I'm also a Shea's plan."
The doctor came. He said, "She's HIV. With her age, right now, she couldn't survive with lots of blood like this. The record was really magnificent. But, the kidney surgery she had, it's getting failure."
I hold her hand so tight. "What was it means?"
"She's dying."
I tremble. She just gone from nowhere. She left me without words. She pushed me out of my limits, so I turn madness. She came without I realize. She endures me without giving in. She made me get into her game. She won the game. I cried a lot.
"You plan to leave me again? You just decide things by yourself."

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