July Bones

If she reads this... Are you happy? I wish for my happiness every day. Are you smiling? I work so hard to put a smile on my face. Are you thankful? I have to keep saying it out loud until I do. Are you among friends? I don't have. Are you having future? I don't have. I wish I didn't fool myself. I wish I can wish something from the past. I hurt myself. I can't change. I have no longer chance. I thought I don't matter. In this time or after this time. I don't matter. Before you remember me, I wish I have already gone. So, you don't need to be so sad. When you turn your back to see me. When I'm gone.

She took everything from the little bird. The most beautiful woman turned this little bird into an ugly duck. This most beautiful woman decided to to make a bet on this little bird. This little bird blindly took the offer.  This little bird never learn to fly free for the little bird always being put in cage. If only the most beautiful woman knows. Yet, she never knows. The little bird has turned into an ugly duck and the little bird has full of regrets. Like a curse. Like a death sentence.  The little bird is now sick. The little bird has nowhere to go. The little bird believes her wings broken. This hour of sadness The little bird has lost a will to live The little bird asked why must still live? There is no future Only things that made up by mind tricks. The little bird is an ugly duck yet pretends still the little bird. The little bird against the world, now. The ugly duck against the world. No one wants  Thank you, the most beautiful woman. Maybe one day, the little ...

I wish I can share my worries Somehow it's too hard even to talk I wish I can be someone else Somehow it's too hard to look on mirror I wish I can just stop Somehow it's better than never could It feels so lonely You were supposed to be here Why can't? Nothing better

Shea is really I love so much. Someone drawing her means a lot to me. I wish I can give something in return. It's so beautiful. 

Something I can't explain. A sound of water drops.  Something I can't explain. A time will tell or a time will let it go. Something I can't explain. Two sides of coin,  we are trying to keep on one side together. Something I can't understand  To be there for someone, even if it's not because of love.

Why love is overwhelming? Why love is blind? Why do love keeps by my side and I know love is there but why can't I see it? Why this love is so deep, more than I can stand, but makes me far from peace. Why love keeps demanding? Why do I need to beg of love? Why love is overwhelming and yet, love is like ghost? Why if love keeps hiding yet love left some memories? Why the memories so overwhelming? Why it feels so alone when love's gone? Why this alone just overwhelming, too? When will it stop?  If to stop then love be far away and it's in my fault to keep a distance, why do I need mercy from love? I am scared but I love, is that even called as love? All I want to do is to love. Say do I have the mercy just for to love? Do I?

I am in beautiful pain. Live in dream world. I am into this deep slumber. It is so dark. I am not kind. I have no courage. My eyes keep closing. Why can't I see you? What should I do? Come and find me, sun. Tell me you need me. Show me the light, again. Give me the warm It is getting cold, here. Tell me I do no wrong. If I wake up, I see you. I am coming and to follow you Come and find me.

It is hard for me too breathe I fall asleep so I can breathe I was trapped in this dream I was free in this dream Shout without sound Cry without tears They made me They created me Lost in labyrinth Rotten

All this time I thought I was where I was. I had given my best. For those who are not for me.   Turns out, love will never be there for me. But for those who give only things that are hard to get. I better stand far away.   At least I know who I like to be.

別の私がいるなら、私は彼女が私のように傷つくことを知っています。 しかし、多分、彼女は私よりも強いです。 物事が南に行っても、彼女は時間がないの嵐の中を歩くだろう。 彼女は私よりも勇敢になるだろう。 別の私がいる場合、私は彼女が私のように一人で泣くことを知っています。 しかし、多分、彼女は私よりも幸せです。 彼女の業績を笑うためのその叫び。 私が知っている何かそれはもはや私の中にはありません。 私は笑っていることを知っていますが、それは腐っています。 別の私がいるなら、私は彼女が天国に行くことを知っています。 しかし、多分、私はあまりにも、それに値する。 場合にのみ。

Those who go nameless. Those who will not be remembered. Those who never got an answer. Those who are suspended. Those who are imprisoned. Those who have no future. Those who are cowards. They are living mute witnesses.

At first I just sat alone Then you sit with me At first I started copying Then you follow it At first my name was called Then you hide from me At first I admitted it Then you trick me At first I was ashamed of myself Then you laugh at me At first I returned to me chair Then you're gone without me

 I fell fast asleep. Then, I heard birds chirping. Slowly I opened my eyes. I still feel heavy. But I can see around me. He fell asleep in the chair right next to the bed. I kept holding his hand all night. He woke up. "...water." I say. He immediately helped me sit on the bed and he gave me a drink. I drank a lot of water. I smiled at him and he gave me another drink. I drank the water until it was gone. "Alright. Enough." "You're dehydrated. You need to drink a lot." "How do you know?" "I just know the doctor gave you a lot of medicine and you must be dehydrated. You need to drink a lot." "Good." He gave me another glass of water. I drank it all over again. "You drink it until it spills. Your lips are smudged...." he said.  His hand touched my lips.  We didn't know what we were doing. Our faces were so close, we unconsciously kissed. I laughed and immediately pushed him, "Enough." "No." ...

The song starts playing. The dance began. I can't think of how this dance should be done. I just looked at him.  Tonight might just be like this. Maybe this affair will all end tonight. "You will leave me." I don't know why I said that when we danced. "Yes." He answered. "Take me with you." He looked at me. The dance was quite difficult. We turned around and changed partners. We just looked at each other from afar. Until he finally came back to me. "You are going to leave me." he said. "I'm not." "I am not yours." I know. I knew from the start, he didn't have to reveal it. We kept on dancing until I felt nauseous.  We parted again.  This time I was like a very strong dizziness. If I don't pull over, I might fall. I quickly pulled over and walked out of the dance hall. It's always like this. I walk alone at the hallway. "Where did you go?" He immediately picked me up.  "Let me go." I ...

When it's finally end of the evening, He accompanied me to my bedroom door. "Have a good night sleep or You will fall in front of the Queen." I fixed his collar . I kissed his cheek, before we parted. I entered my bedroom. I immediately walked to the dressing table. I took off all the jewels and hair clips.  Suddenly I saw a shadow's reflection in the mirror. I turned around.  He was standing behind me just by the door and somehow locked the door, slowly came to me.  He immediately lifted me onto the bed. He kissed me. "If you were tired, you should have told me." I didn't answer. I felt guilty to lie to him.  "Go to sleep. I won't bother you." He sleeps beside me and hugs me. I really fall in love with him. I woke up in the morning and he wasn't there anymore.  Am I dreaming? 

 I was with him all day and all he did was reply to the conversations I brought up.  "This whole ball exhausted me." The Old Lady bragged about her own ball party tonight in the Ritz. I'm just here as a niece trying to give the best smile because it's her party. And he always sits across from me. I sat there wanting to have it. I only wanted to try it once. Even though he can't be mine. "I must go back to my room tonight." I say to everyone. They let me out of the party. I found myself continuing to walk up the circular staircase leading to the Ritz lobby. Someone held my hand from behind. My gloved hands. Even though I only see his big hand that is grabbing mine, if only I take off my gloves when He could hold my hand. "What must I do if I can't be with you?" His whisper made me want to turn around, but I couldn't. My feet kept stepping down the stairs, carrying me away.  Then He held my hand. "What are you doing?" I wanted t...