Lost Sight, Found Strength

The path is so dark and dim, but Julie keeps walking. She is scared, yet her adrenaline makes her look back several times, urging her to walk faster with each step. She wonders why she can't move faster and then realizes it's just her thoughts getting wilder the longer she's on the road. She shouldn't have chosen this path—terrified and confused. She's already halfway through. It sucks. The only way is to adapt, over time. She has one more block, two more, and again she convinces herself it's just one more step to her destination. She's no longer afraid when she starts looking at the sky instead of the road. The evening feels scarier when it's right in front of our eyes, but when it's above, the stars are beautiful. The cold air on her skin feels warmer as her mind grows calmer. Gently, she realizes that she's no longer worried. In fact, she's arrived, in no time. -- I think loneliness comes from the mind. It's not about being surrounded ...
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Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

Lie with A Ghost

"I have a lot of things in my head."
"Yeah?"
"Yes and it's bugging me, sometimes...somehow."
"How often?"
"Well, it is now recently quiet but when they come, they are so destructive."
"Are you hurt?"
"It hurts and when it hurts I don't know what to do. I can't trust anyone to share this hurt."
"So, you're writing this?"
"Yeah."
"Do you feel safe?"
"No. Not recently."
"Why?"
"I also hurt people."
"Do you?"
"Yes and I want them to get hurt."
"Is that what you want or is that how things in your head tell you to?"
"Not come from my head. It comes from my heart. I want them to get hurt, the same hurt they want me to feel."
"You said things in your mind are very destructive. Don't you think what you just said also related wit what things in your head?"
"I think what comes out or everything truly come from the heart."
"Then what's the difference?"
"The memories. The memories in my head of what I did or what I said to people, they are that bugging me."
"What about what comes from the heart?"
"It's what I think. Sometimes they are mixed-up."
"Of course."
"Sometimes I couldn't calm them down or separate them."
"Of course."
"And everything at end come back hurting me."
"You're just being too sensitive."
"I always be sensitive. I'm sorry. That's the whole my defense. I can't stop think about everything and I blame them for doing such things. I'm becoming a monster for them. Heartless pathetic monster."
"You can not make people to do as what you want."
"I know. So, I drag myself away before I let myself to do it."
"You can't do that forever."
"Oh, I think I can. All this time I just living as what the world let me to be. But, I've been lying to my own heart. At end, I want to do good things, better than the world could do."
"Are you now talking about religious stuff?"
"Yes."
"Is it hard for you to do what you want to do but also to do them with the grade what the religion think the best to do?"
"It is hard because my head wants me to not to but my heart keeps shouting I must!"
"Do you have voice in your head, then?"
"No. For god sake! It's like a habit, everything about my habit need to be fix!"
"Why you think they are need to be fix?"
"Because I want them to be fix."
"Don't you think it also means you are the only one who put it hard?"
"Yeah. If it's not me than who else going to fix me?"
"But you're saying it's bugging you."
"They are."
"Do you think it's good for your health?"
"How can I answer it.... it should be like an addict got to a sober. Sort of kind struggling."
"Oh, I see. But, I think you still not answer me. You are not an addict, you are a normal person."
"So?"
"Do you think what you do is good for your health?"
"I'm about to reach that answer, too. Do you think they are going to be bad for me?"
"You are about to answer that question. Not me. Maybe I should change the question."
"Very well."
"Do you think it's worth it?"




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