Lost Sight, Found Strength

The path is so dark and dim, but Julie keeps walking. She is scared, yet her adrenaline makes her look back several times, urging her to walk faster with each step. She wonders why she can't move faster and then realizes it's just her thoughts getting wilder the longer she's on the road. She shouldn't have chosen this path—terrified and confused. She's already halfway through. It sucks. The only way is to adapt, over time. She has one more block, two more, and again she convinces herself it's just one more step to her destination. She's no longer afraid when she starts looking at the sky instead of the road. The evening feels scarier when it's right in front of our eyes, but when it's above, the stars are beautiful. The cold air on her skin feels warmer as her mind grows calmer. Gently, she realizes that she's no longer worried. In fact, she's arrived, in no time. -- I think loneliness comes from the mind. It's not about being surrounded ...
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Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

White Suit

It was simply a dinner together. I laughed a lot. When we were together on the table, we shared lots of things. I wish I didn't wake up. The more I spent my time,the more I learned of myself towards him. Because I knew it's just too lucky to be there with him, I made myself never doubted him. Always there to make him smile. Because I love him.

My sister was there. She really enjoyed the moment but simply protected me. I don't know what's in my head but all men are the same. They're bad in their own ways but always have their own manners or rules to play the game. And, it seems he sort of that kind of man in my dream. 

It's like he has this secret that horrifying and I saw it a bit in my dream. Like it was a hint of dark world yet he held it back it off because he didn't want to spoil my dream.

Funny thing, the way I always tried to connect with him the same I did on my dream. I couldn't stop spoil him. He's just really understand how to interact with me. I think there's something similar affection but he also holding it back like he was afraid if I would hurt him. If I left him? ... Well, that's a good question.

In my dream maybe in his dream, too, it seems like I look have lots of men around. It feels like he noticed it. I look so open up about everything and he scared of it. Yet, he likes the way he noticed my sister controlled me. Maybe he had some experiences for persona like me? I think so. That's why I never tried to hide anything from him so he can trust me. 

Yet, I guess not. I was thinking I human being with free mind same as him and he has his own free choices to be with someone else. It's like one-sided love, again, yet he responded positively. 

I knew. It's hard to explain. I wish I could do something about it. But, it's like my own hell of circle when I love someone. 

But, I knew it's a dream. A broken heart is never real. At least, I tried. And I saw him pouring a glass of wine to this old woman. Wit both seemed having candle light dinner on this little round table set and white suits couple. Very romantic. Last time I had that kind of romantic thing was when I was on beach. 

What about it? I was hurt but also I feel I lost my bet. Because I lost my bet it wasnt really hurt. Because at least, I finally knew. Something secret I couldn't see before. 

I was older than him. I feel that old woman felt like me. It's scary. And he smiled at her, listening to him, and pouring the wine. I didn't understand but my head made conclusion what if it was me who he seeing ?

And so I looked into my sister as if she given me the look that she knew it from the beginning. The fact she knew it all along and she made sure she objected it or maybe she didn't really object it but she didn't trust him, same as all men who came to approach me. 

But, she knew I love him so she didn't hurt me. She let me enjoyed this dream. Same as what he did to me. It's like I can see their loving me so but it's just a freaking dream, nothing's real, all of us knew all along from beginning and so we just enjoyed everything. 

That's my conclusion. I love him. He cares about me. Yet, I wish I could asked him who was that old lady? She was beautiful but fat and golden hair. 

I don't know, I just scared and jealous on that old lady. Another of my conclusion? Probably. I hate to learn that I woke up before he saw me I saw that. 

Maybe, if he reads this. Somewhere, somehow he would tell me when he's ready. For now, I think it was beautiful dream. He probably have seen the whole me. I was going to say naked. I love that word, too. 

Yet, the way our last seeing each other was giving each other's smiles. 

I don't know if it's a lie of smile. But, it's a sincere lie, it must be if it was. 

I do care for him. I do love him. I wish we can grow old together and would still share secret replies to each other. 

He's so handsome. 
I love him. 

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