Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

For Tree

I made this story for truly someone with a great person. He's really my favorite actor, right now, from Hollywood. You know, it makes me feel like Alexandra from Fangirl Series. Like, every season, or months, I can change the favorite actor. So, yeah, it's sad. Like Loving A Gy Series is basically a story that I make for my favorite actor who's gay, which is so sad for me as a fan. Then, now. I make a story of amazing actor but thinking that the girl, Crystal, she's trying to have this normal mind set. Like me. If I become a friend with a superstar, it doesn't mean I can running and linger on to him. I'm becoming be, you know, look a fact! There's this normal man, care for you, needs you, of course we have to be honest to ourselves. But, maybe sometimes, we just don't know what our beloved actor really think, right? Here's the story.

I am an animator, I am still. Well, I used to help my group to draw the motions for movies and CGI effects. 

Then, he comes to our office and help our group to catch his motions to be the CGI for games. 

I watched his last movie, he's just being this weak character and already killed by the heroic character.  I hate that character. Well, he's different from his character. He always smile and shy. He has this awesome haircut that makes you wonder how much for it costs. Then, his shoes, so humble. He wears the shoes that he wore like last year. Last year, I saw him being interview by local college newspaper geeks. I was on my last year college. Not famous, but I could see that shining star inside of him. Today, we meet again and he's an international superstar and I'm his animator for his game motion captures. 

I don't want to get introduce, so I let East directs him what to do. My name be mention while I hide behind my computer. Then I hear he says, "That's a cute name." I'm melted. I draw him, just like every night I adore him. It's about an hour and I already finished all of them. I gave all of my works to East. East comments, "This looks so details, Crystal. Drawings and the motion graphics will be great." I thankful for East as my senior on this company. He never know about me adoring someone that just next to our room. Then, he asks, "You like soy milk, Crystal? I would love to buy you some, after our work time over." Which is amazing. 

East is a guy with his mid-tall but still taller than me. Then his redhead makes me feel not different since I have this different condition with my neck. Yes, I have this cutting, post-surgery and the cut started from under my chin skin until the end of my down neck, then there's the horizontal cut from the left to right arm. I always love the turtle neck suits.


I watch him still talk to the CEO of our animation producer on the building. I get the coat from East and we walk through both of them. I hide my face. But, East just stop-by and shaking hands with him. I can hear his saying, "Is this the girl with that cute name?" He was supposed to be so shy. But, he looks so confidence asking me, Looking at me. I see it a glimpse but I look to another way, rightly. East reads my body language. I pulled his left hand. Then, we finally got pass from them. Not until we reach the front door, the CEO asking to let them both join our drinks. East and I couldn't say no.
We arrive, the CEO and the manager need to close this 24hr dairy eat&drink place. I can let it go, go back home and cancel our dinner but East insisted. So, here we are from all 30 empty tables, 5 people sit on one table. They all buy cheap cold beers. While, East order all of my favorites. Triple Tuna Cheese Sandwich and soy milk no-sugar. All of them eating salads. While, I also staring at him. He smiled at me, "It looks delicious." I gave him the way to get a bite but he said, "You seem more need it than me. You know, thanks for your work today, Crystal." He knows my name. I guess my cheeks turn red. 
I started to eat and drink. Also them. I don't know exactly what they're talking about, but the more they not care of me, the more I can stare at him longer and closer. Like, this is it. The moment I will never forget.


Haze Tree. That is his name. 

Second day, I'm the first who arrived. Haze and the manager asked me if they're on the right time. All I want is not saying anything. So, I ask a security answer those questions. I let them be while I goto my desk. I texts East and all staffs. About thirty minutes, seems like everyone was arrived with a hurry breath-taking. It's actually Haze manager's fault. He using his one-hour early watch. But, seems Haze expressing that is how he likes her. Her name is Debby.

Debby is single mother with teenage girl named Bernie. Bernie was a spoiled girl but seems Debby really a class mother. Haze respected her like his old sister. He's the only child in the family. Carney Tree and Moira Tree. They were all from richest family. No doubt, Haze looks like a gentlemen.


The second day is still capturing the actions and his voice. I just let myself imagine his villain costumes. The better one than Haze character on that movie, On lunch, I skip it to keep my head brain-storming. Then, I realized I just finish it. I search East on studio, that it is empty. I wait, sitting on a couch, until somebody comes. Then, someone's opening the door and it's Haze.
He asked, "Hi, Crystal." I'm in shock. He sits next to me. It felt so uncomfortable, I stand up. I got closer near another side of room, let him behind me. Then he says, "Are these my own sketches? Look all these costumes." I turn around. His smiles are really the best part. My sketches, I left on the couch. "Would you like to tell me the story of it, Crystal?"

Then, I'm back to sit. Next to him. I put several far inches from him. Then, he asking, "Please?" So, I speak.

I have this hard voice. Raw and bitter. Most people will pity on me. It was all because the surgery. And, the accident. It's hard for me to talk. To hear it or even speak long sentences.

"This costume. As eccentric. Like mad hat. Cat in the hat. Or joker? Full pale. But colorful. Make up. Pink, yellow, but villain.
"This costume. As scientist. Green neon and white lab jacket. Yellow rubber gloves.
"This costume. As robot. A machine. Like RoboCop. Not Iron Man. No. You just a destruction machine.
"This is you. As a king. Ancient Kingdom. Like Skull Island."

I'm finished, I look at him and he smiles at me. He already staring at me long ago. He realized I stared at him so he comes back to pictures saying, "It's great inspiration, Crystal. Great characters. You also can be great as designer." I thank.
It was nice conversation with someone so famous. Everyone comes in and I just no need East. East wondering but I come out from the studio.
Tonight, East asked me to get dinner together again and I said sure. He is so happy. I tell him about those pictures. He likes it. East shows me the unfinished touch of Haze CGI captures. East using my details, "Debby saw it and it's beauty." East brings me home. 

He's such a nice guy.


Last day, I arrive early. Today will be the things to be capture that we might missed. Actually we finish them all for just three hours before lunch. East comes to my desk when that day, I have no involve with Haze pictures. When I following him and arrived. There's Debby asking me about a recruitment. They've been looking the designer for a movie. They said if my designs are great, it will be the great thing for the company. Well, I ask if East will help so we agreed. It's just a glimpse, but I know Haze was behind for it. Haze wasn't there, of course not. 
Me and East meet to this group of tailor. They do the job. 

I was good in sewing class while I'm on school. East? He is too musky. 

East helping me to direct the staffs while, when we're alone, I make the dress for this mini wood doll, I put Haze face picture on the doll face. It is great time. I'm getting know East very well. 

East is really knowing me. He's like a father. He never forget to put food on a fridge. While, I'll just cook whatever inside that freezer. Like, we're so connected. He also knows how to direct the staffs like it's so worth it to let him be the leader. We love Chinese food and green tea. We love hiking and camping. We love old tracks. Things would be so different if, East, one day, asking me to be his official girlfriend. But, well, he never had any girlfriend except me on the office.

Haze meeting me again when, our group against this one other group. They bring this idea of suit with Chinese dystopian future. So great.

East representing our group. We made this simple suit. Like Japan soft silk colors. Each person has their own tastes. But, they looks like Greek's warriors. And their hairs, so paste colors. East did a good job. He said, "Dystopian means after the tragic things happen. That what we need exactly is the rehabilitation. Hope. And, we believe those colors need to be attached to our skins, our life. Peace. Home."

I spent the whole seconds in the room staring at him. Haze Tree. Tallest, golden hair, and staring at me. We smiled to each other. He drank water. I got my favorite cold soy milk. 

But, then Debby disturbs by asking him for photo-session. He wears the other group suit. He looks exactly like a superman but with samurai dark neon colors. He gets this long wig and mustache. He's charming.
When it's our time group. All of my crews made that Greek suit with so elegant. Just like what me and East ever imagine. East believed I better asking his color. He wants to know what I want. I said, "Pink pastel?"
He loves it. Like a new style. Everyone accepts it. 

I'm confused but they said the movie would be spectacular. Haze was Philip character. Haze was a warrior with a past he lost his young brother in war. His brother gone with the chance to save the girl. The girl became a warrior too to be a heroic with Philip. They're suppose to love each other but turns out she ends up with someone else because both of them found the truth the soul of his brother will always inside the girl, which is so dramatic.
That in the end, Philip found the girl died to save the world. So sad.

Haze was amazing. He became one of the most influence character of the year. Then, there's the announcement, my name and East got nominations. A lot. We make a party. As usual, turtle neck dress.

 Nobody wants to see the big cross on neck through shoulder. It was so horrible. Did East ever sees it? No. Nobody. Just me, the hospital and family. 

Haze comes with that girl playing the heroic character. They're fit together. I was wondering but seems they meant to be together.
I see East enjoying the party while I can't speak and try to dancing. Suddenly, someone's coming. A cool guy, black hair and looks popular. He likes my moves. I feel popular, too. He asking, "You're Crystal. The artist. I'm Pepper. The Singer." Pepper, what a cool name. 
"Crystal?" Haze jumps in and put Pepper out from my sight. Haze dances with me. 

This is too much.
I can see his moves with the tallest body from all people in the room. Then, there's his favorite shoes, casual shoes. I saw him sweaty and stuff, I think I'm going to pass out.

I give him this time out sign and we get a fresh-air on the terrace, looking at city of the night. So beautiful. I turn around and he gives me the water bottle. 

Amazing. I never can drink alcohols. I loose much things. And someone's stranger that I love know things I need. He knows me, maybe. 

He speaking, "You like a family. I know you're my fan but I'm feeling normal with you. Do you like East?" I answer, "I do. He matters to me." 
Haze says, "I would like to be your date for the award gala." I said yes. He is so shy, now. Just smile and stop talking. I'm scared but he also gives me space. Then he says, "I don't know how to talk with you. I'm scared if it's going to hurt your throat." So, then, I remember, my phone.

My phone is my recorder. I made this diary of how I'm in love with him with just typing and my gadget can speak and help me read it to someone. 

We share earphones and listening the words. He became expressional, "What is it? This is stupid. Well, that's not me. Okay, I'm kind of mean. What kind of fan saying these words?" We laugh and so close for a night.
East comes in to terrace and I never want him feel jealous. So, I come to him, put Haze behind, and East says, "Are you tired? Let's go home." East shake hands with Haze and we both left the party and go to this temporary workplace. 

We both used to live here for that movie project and we need to pack things up. So, then, I'm gonna miss him so bad. He took care of me so well. 

We helping each other to pack things. Then we finished and we spend our dawn on the kitchen table. He eats our favorite, pizza. He says, "I want you to be my girlfriend. I will take care of you." I didn't answer it. He then replies, "That was silly, right? I know Haze likes you. You both are good to be together." I felt bad. So, I came to him, I said yes.

East is a possessive person, I realized. No more Haze, he said. I was thinking why he was so possessive?

After we're being together, Haze also at the final, he dating that girl from the movie. On that award gala, he congratulates me with East. But still, he's shy. Not saying any words after it. We win. Then, it's time to saying words, East takes the lead of mic. Of course, he's our leader. He said many things but no Haze. I realize, I've got to tell it. So, on the last, I speak, "To Haze, our wonderful motion actor. Inspiration." My raw voice panic the gala but Haze stands up and applauding. It's such an honour.

The press finally found the truth. The back of my story. Why, I can't speak widely. Vogue paid me a lot to take a photograph of my surgery scars. East was there to make sure no man models are involved. I am sure it will be alright. And, suddenly I got invited to Victoria's Secret, Prada, Channel, Fashion Festival. Amazing. I'm not a designer but, well, Haze is always my inspiration. Secretly, I keep draw him. Men suits, my expert.

Then a man from LV introduce me with Stella,  she is an actress. Tall, african-american, hair so black and grey eyes. She loves Rock and musical stage. She wants me to be her stylish around the world. 

Stella made me get many imaginations. She sings and does musical but she wants the unique of the stage character she's in never left just on the stage. Enchanted.

And, East, he is my bridge to keep being an animator.

Animator is magic. Your pictures became real and alive. With thousand more pictures to combine. That's the love of East. He can see a picture then he can making copies exactly the same to make it moves. I adored him. While me, I always be in creative inspiration. Mostly all we do is waiting someone open our door and ask our new character as what they ask. We imaginative but not that match with animator stuffs. I can't do the replica. I'm raw. But, East made me who I am. I love myself. East asking me always to give him inspiration that's how things work. We're matched. He knows my size, my favorite make up, my medicines, and my hates. Which is kind of boring. He is so smart. While, I'm not knowing him that much. But thinking about me with Haze. I might in East's place and Haze might bored with me. I always found my article with his news near mine. They said, Haze will always be my muse. Who said that? But, that's true. 

Haze is sick. He got this stunt accident. He broke his one rib. Not bad. Its just I'm in Neverland. Far from him. Budapest with Stella. Peace. Secretly, I send him a picture with all white bandages but also has this silver wings. I draw the budapest. Write: "Wishing you have wings. Warrior."
I never got a chance to see him for six months after that. I arrived in Greece, he calls me. It was very secret. Stella gave me her phone and ask me to listen, just listen. Haze will doing a musical and he wants me to listen. It's not beautiful but his voice was comforting to my ears. He asking, "Will you come, Crystal? It's beautiful show with you, there. I made the wings for you."

East was workaholic. He gets bigger opportunity to build bigger company. I won't leave him for just Haze. Six months without East and Haze, I want my relationship work out. I chose return to East.

East asking me, "You can't go, Crystal. You need here. They want you, not me." So, I said sorry to Haze. Of course, the company needs me.

I'm telling the truth. What kind of relationship that not honest? Haze was kind of easy person. Suddenly he got this beautiful woman to be next to him for that musical news. She's nice. She's the legal affair of that stage production, Maddie. Maddie has this red head, too, like East. She's different than other girls. The first time I saw her, it feels, hurt. They said, she came from Haze hometown, too.

I don't get it. East is smarter than me, but he feels like not confident. He builds Crystal East Animation. There's this debut project. He asking me, "You love to make the imagination, Crystal." It's just, I found him at night slept on the work desk. I saw it and he drew this caterpillar. Looks ugly. He from soil learns things about fairy tales. Every good people deserves a wish. From Blue Fairy. Caterpillar wants to be in the story too. That is how Caterpillar became a blue caterpillar in Alice. Such unique and strange. I tell the group about East desk story. Everyone likes it. East was surprised. I just whispered, "I believe in you."  From then, he suddenly became speakable. He looks like a sweet and fun. Like vanilla.

I like vanilla. Finally, I see him, perfectly. He became a great leader of our company. East loves his work. If things happen on the company or business, he never hides things from me. Amazing companion. He became grown up man. I adore him, more. Why is he not marry me?

Haze comes back asking me to design this movie costumes. I do want. East simply deny it. He said, "Am I not need you? I need you. But, I may feel you don't need me." He let me go.

If it's for Tree, I always have inspiration. Even without East. It's true. But, I never meant to hurt him. He let me go, isn't sad? For all this time, I might make my own without him.

I make this animal suits. The fur, the colors, and the scars. So detail makes me cry by my own hand. They want something real, something not CGI. And, they said it was spectacular. The movie became kids favorite, people choice, and nominated. The press asking me how I can get the idea, I said, "My Creamy Puff Bear. And, watching Toys Story." They said my costume will turn to be legendary. I thankful. Haze is very busy with the press so it's hard for me having chat with him. Especially when he has Maddie on his daily schedule. 

I'm hurt but not jealous. I never want to leave East. But, following a muse, Aren't all artist will do?

I live in this apartment, downtown, Alone. No East, so lonely. I lie down on the couch, near the fireplace, so peaceful. No work, but fame. Money. So peaceful. I play a dance songs playlist. This whole big apartment needs something. I remember about Eliza Doolittle. That's what I do. Then, a ringing at the front door. I never want anyone disturb my me-time. I am single and lovin' it. Then, 
"Haze?" Such embarrassment. He brings a soy milk. While, I'm with all these dresses and make up. And, he sees my scars.

Soy milk is the best thing I've ever get. Milk gave me this lactose tummy thing. But, soy milk , it gives me strength. Like spinach for Popeye.

We are sitting on the couch, he pours the soy milk to the glasses while I clean the make up. He laughs. That's fine. "I've never find a woman like you. So funny." I reply with this honesty shame feeling, "Never have. Someone like you, too. So silly." He replies, "No,no. I'm sorry." He sits next to me, put the glasses and helps me to clean it. "The color of your make up is really bright." We laugh again. He then, cleans my neck. He touches the scar. I draw myself away. "Sorry." I smile to tell him it's better if I get a rinse. He waits me. I go to shower.

I'm thinking what Haze will do when I'm in shower. A muse in my own apartment. So, legendary. I was wondering why Haze has the key of my apartment. This might not my apartment. But, it can't be his apartment.

"Hi, Crystal." He cooks something, "It's pasta. There's in your fridge." I wear my turtle neck dress, to be look feminine. I sit with blowing hair-dryer. He keeps cooking.

It's the first time I see behind his humble shoes. Such a big feet and white. I'm looking my own feet, so tiny. He wears this blue shirt. Fit with his six-packs. I am so blessed.  He chops onions, tomatoes, and seasonings. I'm worried, the feeling of who always cook for me. East.

I stop the hair-dryer, "Your hair already dry?" He turns around and bring the cook in front of the kitchen table. I ask, "How you have the key?" He answers, "I own this apartment. That's how you live here, free." So, he paid this rent great apartment? He said, yes.

I was wondering if it's really his place. I found the little drawing studio. I thought it meant for me.

"I love painting. Not a great painting, just to relax. And, it's been a long time since we've on the same work, I guess it's necessary to help you. The interior designer changes things. Also the studio. So, you can get that animation machines and drawings. You don't mind? I'm sorry if I use my own key. I just heard this loud music and I've been waiting about an hour out there." I laugh. I said sorry. Then, thank him. We eat the pasta and drink water, also the soy milk. But then, he adores my smell, "Is it Sunkist? Lemon? Orange?" I said, yes. He asking me about the studio but I'm not allowing him. I won't make him thinking that I'm kind of his freak-fan. Well, I am. Then, he leaves. I walk with him to the front door. He says, "Maddie and I, we are in this complexion. What do you think I should do?" We were talking about our own relationships. Me and East, him and Maddie. So, I say, "It's not anyone's fault. Me. East. Differences. But, if you love her. Try. Or, say goodbye." He asks me, "You said goodbye to East?" I said, no.

I called East that night. He didn't answer. I felt bad. I was trying to be a good person. Maybe, it's not enough. I want him to know how I still want to be with him. It's just, things with East, feels like a cage.

I have no date for this award gala. I bring Stella. Stella loves to do tomboy suit. That's weird. I'm not her stylish anymore. But, she seems fine with it. She wears a label suit. She's really pretty. A press asking me about Crystal East Animation, now. I say, "East, he's amazing. Work together. Perfect." I don't know what to say. Nobody really knows if we both break up. I meet Haze, alone, inside the gala. Maddie and him broke up. Which is sad. That night, I win, alone. Such an emotional feeling. I walk to the stage, alone. Then I have to say thanks to many people with my own voice,
"Thank you. Producer. Company. Director. Staff. Tailor. Willy. Francis. Darla. Keane. Stella, to be here. And, of course, Haze Tree. For Haze Tree. He asked me of this job. He courage me. I thank you." There he stands up again and applauding. It's such a short speech, so I says it, "To the last, my dearest heart. East. He's not here. But, without him, I never be like on this place, now. Thank you." On the backstage, people applauding me. On the press conference, a press asking me about my next thing to do, I say, "Well, drawing?" Then, someone asks me about my relationship and Haze, I say, "Nice man. Sad thing to hear it. Break up." Then, I'm back to the gala and found Haze got the award, too. Best actor. I am crying. We win big, this night. He speech, I don't remember but he said my name. After the gala, we take the picture, together. 
On the morning, Stella spend the night on my apartment, she found our last night news, and she found this article, 'Haze and Crystal, The Golden Couple.' 

East didn't say any words about it. I'm trying to contact him. But, none. So, I came to the company. The company really likes the whole thing that I achieve. I love how the company gets bigger. Team with indie companies and lots of big home productions work with us. And, I saw him. Working with this group. His animation first feature is showing now. I've never making a big movie, I turned into a designer while East became an animation director. He's really a great man.

"I know you will come back, Crystal." His touch never fails me. We spend our time just two hours, then it feels like I know what I have to say, "Will you come with me?" East answers, "Of course." So, we're back together. East and I walk together outside while press capture our pictures. He seems enjoying his life. He grabs my hand so tight and walk with so confident. We go to a cinema and watch his movie. It was alright. CGI animation. "How is it?" I say, "I love the story and the Caterpillar... but I thought it's not CGI. Your real drawing is more perfect." 

Another fight. He said it was all my fault because I left him. It was hard to explain that he put blame on me. Just because it's not CGI.

"I'm not a great person to work without a companion. Closer with me. Who knows me well. You."

He though I knew him well.

"I am scared. You left me. It's our company. Your name and my name. We should do this together."

Of course.

"Why you can't say no to Haze?"

Haze is my muse.

"Why I can't be your muse?" He asking like it's not right. Then I hold his hand and say, "You can do this, alone, East. This. Your own step. As I found. My own. See. You're doing great. There's try. Keep. Try." And, it's amazing how I just kiss his hand, "You, don't need me."

I guess, we never meant to be together.

East asks me to spend the night on his place. I come to his place and amazing how it turns really a big massive studio place. "It's not you. A mess." We both laugh. But, I can see how he never put a side my things, "Reminds me of you. You and your draws. His draws." He mentions it. It's a little desk. And lots of sketches. "It will always be yours, Crystal." I say, "Thank you." There's this sketch under one of the shelf, "It's you. The night. sleep on desk. How handsome you are."

I couldn't go any further without East. A red-head, always worrying and take care about me. Never left me behind. But, I realize, for all this time, I'm the one who makes him never walk any further. I must let him walk by himself. He has the power.

By morning, the press caught me and East just out from his place. They keep telling about how great couple of we both. We buy dairy stuffs, as we used to do. He holds my hand on the public. Well, I guess that's fine with me. They didn't know. Then, I see Haze on newspaper and also on twitter and online news. Haze is accusing with the sexual abuse. I suddenly back to my apartment. Finding the real news and where is Haze, now.

It was Maddie.

I meet Haze on this court. He seems pale. I come with East. There's Debby, she says, "It's alright. Maddie put down her accuse." East asks, "Why is she doing it?"Debby says, "It's Haze and her, alone." Then, Maddie walks across our. The lawyer asking Haze and his lawyer come with them. Haze says, "Thank you for coming, Crystal, East." Then he goes. Me, East, and Debby help to give the explanation to the press that it's all the wrong accuses. Then, Debby says, "You can go home. We will contact you guys for things." Then, we back home. My apartment, East also back to his place. It's one weird day. I can't sleep. Then, someone's calling me. It's Haze. He explains, "Being an actor. It's not always a great thing." I ask, "How's Maddie?" He says, "It's my fault. I broke up with her. I shouldn't."

I know how he feels. The same thing me and East.

I say, "Did you do it, Haze?" He says, "No. I didn't." Then, I reply, "That's good, Haze." He replies, "It's great to see you both back together." I don't reply what his saying. "I'm just, afraid if you will see me differently." 

I don't know. I'm in the safest place. I'm not saying that after I broke up with East, I will run to Haze. I don't know exactly what I really want. It's really good to be single. But, Haze, the charming muse, I wish I can have him. But, now, seem, I'm lost.

I work back to Crystal East Animation. it seems having a normal work, daily. East has his own project, I have my own project. But, on lunch break, we seeing each other. Like, we once at the office, he's senior, I'm junior. I meet many excellent creators, animators, and artists. For once, It's not bad. East seeing me as friend, which is so great. I'm drowning to work. Especially, I have the target: At least, making East winning his own award. To show him that he will be great. Suddenly, it's not like I forget about Haze. No, but Haze looks great. He's back with Maddie.

Don't you think, it's odd? Maddie accused him, then they're back to be together. I lost my appetite.

"Why you don't eat, Crystal?" East asking. I answer, "My throat." I cough. East wants to accompany me to the hospital.

If things feel bad, I always go to hospital. Well, not with East. It's his first time.

"I'm afraid with blood." That's the first thing I know about him, like not wondering but technically, I can see from his face, he looks pale. I say, "It's alright. No blood." Then, I meet Dr. Lenn. 

Dr. Lenn was my surgeror. He's a grandfather. But, still strong hand. Well, let's say the surgery was ten or eleven years ago?

"Your throat has this inflammation." He gives me the look. East asking, "Is it bad?" Dr. Lenn says, "You need to rest and all your food must be blend and porridge." East keep asking, "Can she still drink soy milk?" Then Dr. Lenn answers, "No soda or alcohol. And, maybe you should diet drink without sugar." Then, East seems glad and he promises to Dr. Lenn about he will take care of me, very well. While East gone first, Dr. Lenn saying, "It's not good, Crystal. You can lose your voice. You not good as those people who lost their throats from smoking." I say, "I know. But, it doesn't matter. My voice. I need to know, about something else." Dr. Lenn then shows me the shoulder. The bones, "Are those hurt?" He asking and I said, yes. "I have the cough about three days. And, my head gets spinning. I get this shoulder ache, then suddenly I can't move my neck. Like, just stand." Dr. Lenn asking, "How many times it happened?" I said, two times. "Today on shower and two days before. On the work office." Dr. Lenn says, "Would you want to check to our neurologist?" I ask, "Can I go not today?" He says, "The sooner, the better." I said, okay.

This surgery. It's haunting me for more then ten years. It's frightening me. For a month after the surgery, I lost everything. I thought it might be the end of my life. Then, two months after surgery, I know I might not going to be a normal adult. Even to eat and drink strong stuffs. Which is good for my body. Skinnier. I try to make myself fat, but maybe the fat hates me.

That day, East brings me home and there she is. Maddie. 

I hate her.

She's crying and tell me about the news. Haze is in France. And, he's dating this supermodel. Which really pretty, tall, as tall as him. And, Maddie says, "I love him, you know." East helping me with give her all of our tissues. "I can't live without him." Then, I ask, "Why you lie? The accuse?" East asks, "How do you know, Crystal?" I say, "Haze told me." Then, Maddie cries, "He believes you. He is so close to you. Do you know how it feels to realise, you're just this one time girlfriend? I envy you. Everytime he feels bad, he never come to me." East looking at me and I know that look.

Another fight.

"You still contact with him?" East asking, "Why you ask?" East keep asking, "See that girl, Crystal? I don't want you to be like her. Every month, Haze might with two or three or maybe more girls. Look at that poor Maddie. She thought her feeling with him was real." I reply, "Haze good to me. He is good." East then replies, "Then, why he's not good to Maddie?" I reply, "She's a liar."  East says, "I don't want him to come see you again. Let's get over it, Crystal." I ask him to leave.

I checked on media. It's true. Haze officially break up with Maddie. He's now dating with Angelie, the supermodel. Such a cute name. Lots of his fans also put this blog about Haze's ex-girlfriends and dates. I never be his date. But, then, I found after 18 dates and 12 ex-girlfriend, with one girlfriend, now. There's my name, Haze favorite girl. And, there's a reason. It says that I won two times award and always put Haze name on it as inspiration and Haze always standing applause. We're being called by newspaper as Golden Couple. I'm one of Haze girl. I am thinking about Haze as James Bond. I'm a Bond girl, not bad.

I call East. He's not answering again. Before I go to sleep, I'm thinking about Maddie, again. It's not her fault. It's not my fault, too. Haze is Haze. He's a grown-up man. Then, I couldn't sleep. I wake up and go out from my bedroom. I walk to this apartment. It's his. His kitchen, his living room, might be his TV. Its always there since I come. Then, I back to my studio. His painting studio. My drawing studio. Last time he was here, I never allowed him to get in because there's a lot of my designs with his face on it. Now, lots of work and none of them is his face. I sit down. Take a paper and my favorite pen. I start drawing him. Him and his new girlfriend. Angelie. I don't even remember her face. There's Maddie in my head, that she cried. I am thinking about what East saying that Maddie is not the only one. How many girls have Haze made cried? 30 girls. Then, Haze standing with Angelie, where's me, it's the first time, I put me on Haze drawing. And, Angelie hands linger on Haze, but Haze looking at me. While, I draw myself sitting on this desk, and I look at him from far. 

I dreamed about East. And, I cried. All I could remember was I said that I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I wake up and I've been sleeping on my desk. I see the picture. I see it again, and I put it on the shelf. I don't want to be one of his girlfriend. This place, I shouldn't be here, anymore. I call Debby and asking for coming. She's coming with Bernie, her daughter. Debby says it's alright. Then, Debby buys us a meal for dinner. Bernie and I chat on the living room. Bernie says, "Haze is my brother. He's a good man. If he likes you, I'm okay. This Maddie girl sicken me." I reply, "He also says I'm his family." Bernie says, "He must be so shock to hear you leaving this place." I'm asking why. She says, "Haze is human?" Debby brought pizza. Then, I eat it. I don't care.

Pizza is guilty pleasure. I love Italian food. They are all guilty pleasures. Think about tuna cheese, just chicken garlic, then jalapeno. Spicy jalapeno. Amazing.

I got cramp.

Damn, it's hurt.

I try to find the medicine on bathroom cabinet. I drink as usual. Then, drink from the toilet water. I walk to the kitchen, a warm soy milk. I sleep on the couch, my last day. Take a nap with my sweet blanket from Stella. Turn on on demand channel. This paracetamol makes me sleepy.

I dream about East, again. He's mad and I'm sick of his mad, and I scream to him. In dream, I can free to speak anything. But, anyway, it's horror dream. East swallowing me.

I'm puke. My throat is worst. I'm so in pain. My head is spinning, my neck aches. I drop from the couch. I lie down to the floor. I can't feel anything. I'm not moving. My throat is burning. I think I'm dying. I keep remember to breathe. Breathing. It's dawn, the window of this apartment not show me the sunrise. Breathing, breathing. I don't know how long I've been struggling on the pain and breathing. I'm scared. I can't move.

The tragic accident, everyone wants to know about it. Only East never care about it. He's accepting me of who I am. But, I remember the last time Haze, Haze touched my neck, the scar. I bet he wants to know about it.

"Crystal, hey, I got you." I see Haze and doctor, and seem the sky of this building rolling. "You're save." Listening that word, save, Haze is my hero. I wake up  with Haze sitting next to me. I wear a breathing helper. And something they gave to my body. I feel nothing. East comes in. His first move is coming to Haze. He's angry, "I hate you." Haze replies, "I just saved your girl!" They fought. The doctor shows up, Dr. Lenn. And, there's another doctor. Haze says, "She's waking up." Haze the only person who recognize I'm awake. Dr. Lenn and everyone come near to me. He starts saying, "This is Dr. Ester. She's a neurologist." And Dr. Ester saying hello to me, then says, "I don't know that I will see famous people, today. How are you, Miss?" I try to smile. "It's pinched nerve. It's actually nothing. You can trust me for this surgery, Miss." All I can learn is it's about another surgery. I wish I can speak.
Debby and Bernie are coming. They are sorry about the pizza. Haze just standing there, he never left. Also, East. 

They both like prince charming. Haze with his blue eyes and East with his strong neck. Maybe, I'm the one who's the ugly princess. Not just for the scars, I feel like the beast. And, they're the beauties. The beast that not easily realize that there are beauties around me that love me. That love, is not a cage.

By night, I wake up. I got cough. East is not here because there's work on the company. Haze is there, next to me and helping to call nurse. The nurse is coming and help me to move my neck and I don't know what else. But, I like the way the nurse knows what to do with the silent of me. Then, I'm back alone with Haze. He drives his chair near to my bed. "You can't back to sleep, Crystal?" I smile. I can't say anything. Then, Haze says, "I heard you're moving and I just, I just," he stops talking. He holds my hand, "Your hand is cold. I'm afraid, I thought I lost you. Why you're leaving me, Crystal? I am sorry."

The same question. We are all the people who lost our tracks to see the one soul mate right in front of us. Why I should be the one who's in the wrong way?

"This surgery, I want it to be alright." I can hear East talks to the doctor or nurse. But, Haze is standing right next to me, holding my hand, "We'll see each other again." I smile to him. Then, they take me out from them all. I hear East last shouting, "I love you, Crystal."
Damn you, East. Why, now?

I'm dreaming of East voice. His first time saying he loves me. He loves me. He loves me. Then, I'm standing at this green and trees. Sunny day. Such a lovely dream. I sit under one of the tree. It's such a great tree. So green but there this orange or browny leaves, I think it's going to be autumn. But, the breeze so good. The trees, I want to draw trees, right after I wake up.

I look into East, he's crying. He's the one who says, "I'm sorry." He never mean to hurt me. He kisses my cheek, which is wonderful. The last thing is Haze. Haze with his black suit just standing far from both of us. So, I come to him, where we both walking out from the hospital room. It's the first time I see him driving. He drive me home, of course, it's his apartment. Now, I know where he put his key. It's his necklace. He walks around of the apartment, while I just run to my studio. I find all of my drawings still here. "Who's there?" Haze gets in to my studio. "Crystal?" He's finally coming to my studio. He sees all of my drawings. No him. Haze smiles and take a look one or two, then, he sits on this rolling chair. I used to sit on that chair and make it keep spinning and spinning and spinning. "I thought you're still drawing me, Crystal." He just lies to the chair and staring to all of my drawings. I want him to know, I want him to find my last drawing. It's on the shelf. "What's this?" I remember the paper is blue, like his eyes. He finds the drawing. The exes and me with him staring to each other.
Then, I see him, finally crying. It makes me cry, too. 

I don't know why I'm dead. The surgery is a big success. I'm being put to the rehabilitation room. Then, back to my room. I never awake. So, it's just stop. The machine.

I don't know if a ghost can cry. But, Haze is shaking and seems his tears pour to the paper. "I hate you." He says. "You should've wake up. You should've wake up. There's a lot of things that I want to tell you. So many years, I've changed. I don't want any other. I want you. I love you."

Haze is been older than the last time I saw him.

"East just plugging out the machine. I hate it. I hate to see it. I don't want to see you die like this."

I want to live.

"If only I can tell you. We're suppose to kiss at this time." Then, he is spinning the chair with him sit on it. Round and round, I stand right in front of the door. "Crystal?" He stops. He looks at me. "Crystal?" He sees me. I walk to him. Slowly, and sit on his lap. "Kiss me." He closes his eyes, "I don't care if it's not real. Kiss me." I kiss him. I can feel the breeze on my dream. So strange but yet, beautiful. Everything just like what it seems. Like in the movie. Perhaps, too beautiful. The breeze makes spinning this chair and he put his hands on my body like I'm here and real. 
It's really beautiful. I love him. 

I want to live.

There's a phone ringing, it stops me, the kiss, and the chair. Suddenly, things got drove away from me. No, no, don't drive me away from Haze.

I'm awake with East is hurt face. He cries and begging for mercy. I don't know what happen. They said East is the one who plugging out the machine. Everyone wear black suit.

"Is this my funeral?" Then suddenly, the door is open. Haze Tree with the black suit. He says, "You." Just that. He runs to the bed, like jump, I guess. He kisses me. It's just like a dream.

Haze Tree and Crystal. Then, there's our beloved rebound character, a red-head East. I don't want the story to be too sorrow, you know, like Fangirl Series. East is a person that amaze with Crystal, a smart girl with humble heart. That actually because Crystal restriction to speak. Crystal is the person who wants to find a man that love her, finally tell the truth about their feeling, that iconic sentence, "I love you." She wants to make sure that East really loves her. Which is hard. Maybe, for East. I don't know what to say, but Haze Tree wants to be friend with Crystal. He fonds with the way Crystal put him as the muse. Haze is famous for a year after Crystal met him on this college local newspaper interview, which means Haze might seeing Crystal, like he sees her familiar. But also, Haze a new superstar and having someone also famous, trusty, and smart, humble like Crystal, then Crystal put him as muse, Haze felt saved. Maybe. East knows about Crystal put Haze as her muse and Haze sees it as positive feedback, East couldn't see if there's him in Crystal's heart. But, Crystal, she's a faithful girlfriend. She's trying.

Until, our iconic scene, the ghost of Crystal. I also said, "What?" But, you know what, my first idea was put Crystal in dead. Like, malpractice surgery. But, suddenly my laptop turns reboot and I didn't save it. I lost the idea. My first idea was Crystal last dream is about she hears East loves her again, and again, and again, then she sleeps under this big tree, like she's so happy about the ending. But, then, the big question keeps asking, 
"SO, WHO's THE MAN THAT CRYSTAL CHOOSE?" 
and, I don't know. I just want to write down the funeral of Crystal on this church and East kissed her cheek for the last time, while Haze was far from the church, knowing that Crystal has gone, he walked to his car and came to his apartment that Crystal used to be there, he came to the studio, found the last drawing of Crystal, and it turns out: 
no matter how much Crystal adoring Haze, there will be no her for being one of Haze girlfriend. And, it will always just it. 
It's going to be so sad, isn't? Haze might not cry, we also will see Haze looks so cold with the death of Crystal. Where, we realized East is the only man that wants her to live. Man, this is the alternate ending.
But, I also realize, I don't want anyone's dead! Why fan always being Joan d'arc? So sad. I want to make sure she's alive. Then, I give him the moment East kissed her cheek for the last time, I changed the place, from church to hospital room. And, Crystal thought she's dreaming. She saw herself sleeping on bed with machines support her life, East is the one who's going to stop the machine. She saw Haze also there in that room and he walked away, so she following him. From then, we see through the end. Finding the end, you guys know right, who's Crystal going to choose?
I want the iconic scene. The ending. The spinning chair and kissing, then I also put lots of draws around of them kissing. It just happened. The power of writing. 

And, I did it. For Tree.

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