Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

If I Knew Him

It's Not Just A Movie
            The train and long hours to keep awake. Well, it's not easy. The air conditioner on this train was really cold so I decided to hid all my head to toes with this grey free blanket from the service. I read this book. This kinda book tells about characters who are trying to get inside of the book. It's the second book of trilogy. I read the first book seven years ago and I didn't know how the moment now I read the sequel, these characters felt like I still remember all of them clearly. Which is not true. I forgot almost all the plot of the first book but I just trying to get it whenever I found a new character and it was saying that the character actually already being told on the first book. Kinda naive. But, every page I turned it's still enchanting me the same I was read it's first book seven years ago. I really love the author. She's genius.
            In every chapter of the book, same exactly like the first book, there's this quote from another book which summarized the point of the chapter. And, there's this one quote. And, it killed me from the inside. I took a photo with my smartphone and uploaded it to the twitter. My fake account. I love my fake account, because no one really cares about my reality. Well, I put the hashtag #imisshim. It will be always like that from now on. Whenever I miss him, just tweet it. "Until now it feels not real."  It took me lots of wondering as the train kept going and people around me, the whole was empty. I didn't like it.
            I kept read the chapter until it ended to another chapter. I truly forgot about where I decided to stop to read. It's getting cold, so I decided to put on sleep. There's this awful thing inside my head. I never like it but it put me now easily to go to sleep. Just think about horrible things. I know, I know. It's opposite of reality though my reality was not far from word, horrible. Yes, my life still a blessing. Yet, I felt guilty about everything so I put myself to be a ruin. Somehow, it helps me. It helps me. They're going to kill me in anyways. Life is not really good these days. Life inside of my head.
            As the horrible scenes kept repeating in my head, there I went deep down to the horrible dream. Finally. We're on up the hill, middle of night with great light of fire. People with this greek suits. Well, what I believe I might be on the greek era. I started to think what kind of movie was this? What story-plot was this? I was one of this village girl, sneaking around the young ages group near the fire. They chatted, dancing, and playing some musics. I didn't remember anything except the lights of fire. The lights. Gloomy and warm. Of course, it's just a dream. It's not real.
            I've decided to walk around the fire and kept looking. But, then it's like a magnet inside of my head like a big wind shattered my skins and it's like a leap of memory. I remembered this. This time. This place. This hill. I supposed to find a big giant shadow, the conqueror of this hill. And, there he came. Everyone's frightened. The big giant shadow came with the shiny gold wheels. I had no idea but the big giant shadow actually recognized me but I couldn't move. He's not looking for me, he just crossed me and he came to the group of people that I just left. He talked to this young man. A birght blonde hair, skinny, half-naked, just like others because the greek linen suit totally put everyone in half-naked, just like me. He went to the big giant shadow and shouted... something. I didn't remember. He's really handsome. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then, suddenly one of person on this group reacted by them both conversation. A young woman, with red-brown hair, white-skinned, she's just another handsome person I've seen on that evening. She seemed worried. But, then, the big giant shadow made his point that he got of what's happening between them two.
            "You are going to hunt me. Something like me. The flesh of me. Once you found it, shoot it with the archer and it will shatter. Then, find the moving tomb with it's tomb has two archers, one archer is in the middle of the tomb height, and the other archer is on the top of tomb. It will move because I gave it the wheel. Shoot both of targets."
            "So I can be with her," said the man. He's Eddie. I knew him and also I knew her. She's Felicity. They both were in love but then the big giant shadow challenged him with the archery but turns out the big giant shadow will always cheating and Eddie ended being killed. While, Felicity wondered of her live-long life.
            "Why are you so tempting?" There's the voice spoke next to me. Yet, it feels like it's body so far away from me, "Why are you so tempting to help them both?"
            "I'm not going to help him. I'm not going to let them fall in love so they no need to broken heart." I said. As I look to the voice. It was him. I probably not really recognzed him but it was him. Or, my head put that voice as him. That's not his voice. But, just a face. He's there. He's like a really imaginary picture of not a soul but a picture. I've been here before. The moment where I really need to be with someone and I forced my imagination to get the real him inside of my dream. Turns out, I couldn't see the different between dream and reality. He's there with me and we're playing a country song. It's really scary because on the lucid dream, the music felt real. I plugged my earphone and it felt so loud on my ears. That's the first time and I never really wanted again. But, I don't know if this is the same.
            It was him, and he's smiling.
            I was so scared on that day. The day I didn't know. $50 and a watch. Two dreams and a stomachache. Then a message from my fellow George.
            I stepped back from him. He's not real. It's his fault. I just need to make him jealous. I just need to make him see what I've been through. I'm becoming a villain. I walked to the big giant shadow and I challenged him. He was scared. I was scared.
            Then, it's like another big wind shattered my skin, it rewinds.
            I was back from the start where I was walking to the group. My first move was finding Eddie. I saw him. "He knows me," that's what inside me.
            Eddie suddenly came to me and held my waist. He's hugging me so tight from back and I looked for Felicity with my eyes. She's there, she's wondering.
            "Did you see him?" I looked to her eyes as my eyes could speak. What I mean was not Eddie, someone else. I saw him again. 
            "I saw him," She smiled at him from far. But, what I learnt she's smiling at Eddie. The reason both of them were here probably because of something. It put me in sad. "You must really love him," she said.
            "His arms reminds me about someone else."
            "Who?"
            Then, the big giant shadow came out with that big wind and his shiny golden wheels. I probably never thought about it's a rewind thing. Eddie stood up in front of that big giant shadow and he decided to challenge him. Before the big giant shadow started to say what he wants to say, Eddie shooting an archer to him. The flesh of him. Eddie just knew the flesh of that big giant shadow was hiding around the shadow. The big giant shadow was shattered and Eddie ran to this empty dark road, tha suddenly there's that moving tomb, with the archer on top of the tomb and another archer on the middle of the tomb height. He shooted the middle archer.
            He missed it.
            Then the big giant shadow shook the hill and I saw that big giant shadow was laughing and he suddenly appeared again. He took Eddie and ate it. Felicity was screaming. I have to change it. It must really frustrated for the big giant shadow because I was there, his plan was back to return from the beginning, again.
            Right now, I got sucked by great wind and like a magnet, I was back to Eddie's arm. Me and Eddie sat seperate from where Felicity was sat. She's wondering but she already judged how much me and Eddie were in love. It is my fault. I let Eddie never looking at me but looking at Felicity. Then, it just happened where they both giggled and wondered about the phrase, "If you are in love then why you have to go away?"
            I was mad. I decided to stand up before that big giant shadow appears and I took an archer. I ran to that empty dark road. I saw it. The moving tomb. I shooted both of the targets and the tomb was shattered.
            "Don't do it!" shouted someone. Maybe that voice.
            I didn't understand.
            "It is the rule. The challenge must be done by the challenger self. Can not be finished by the other person. It's a disgrace. He needs to shoot the archer by himself. And now, he failed again."
            "So then, I will never save him in anyway?" I asked.
            Another tear from Felicity as the big giant shadow appeared and he was laughed because Eddie couldn't finish the task. That big giant shadow was going to crush Eddie with his hand.
            "You're lying! You're cheating!" I shouted. I didn't know what I was talking about. I messed up everything. Eddie and Felicity meant to be together. Meant to die together. Meant to be fool together. Meant to be fooled by the big giant shadow. What kind of story was this? Why even Eddie needs to challenge that big giant shadow? A fool of love.
            I didn't get it. He was there. He could've saved Felicity. He could've helped Eddie to finish the task. Yet, he just stood there and like emptiness. It felt like I made him to be there.  He's never been there, anyway.
            "Why are you in my dream?" I asked him. We stood together as I let myself to see the real ending of love between Eddie and Felicity. This time they're probably conquered the quest but that big giant shadow still bound with their lifes. They died for that big giant shadow. A fool of love, "Just like me, to you. That big giant shadow."
            I felt it. He's there. He felt what I felt. But, I just couldn't let go.
            "It's different. Some of people, mostly I knew because we have relations. But not you. You gave me those dreams, those hints, and those memories. Why?"
            I wish he's asking, "What do you mean?"
            "You never knew me but I knew you. That's how our relationship. It's hurtful. What is that mean? The same thing I want to get the answer! What does it mean? Why I had to see how you died, for god sakes!"
            I wish he knew. I wish he felt my frustration.
            "But this is not you. You're not here, anymore. You're just my imagination so I can feel that you're here. This," I close my eyes inside my own dream, I let his pictures drove away from my, my body, " means nothing."
            I woke up. I was still on a train. I was still five hours until arrival. I straight away to look for the myth if my dream ever real in this world.
            Search: archery...couple...love...myth....dang, I don't even get it what's the point for Eddie had to fail to be together with Felicity... this big giant shadow... what's the point for that archery challenge......and him. Me?
 I woke up and knew he was gone
Straight away I knew he was gone
When you love somebody you know these things.
David Almond, Skellig

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