Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

If You Listen

People always misunderstand with what I just said. They turned into against me, usually. But, the only person who still want to be with me, was Tessa. I'm having a relationship with Tessa, sweet girl, since we're on high school. But, it was that night, after I finished my whole week busy bussines trip at work, it's been two or three weeks I was in Egypt, struggling with politic problems, I've finally got a ticket to back home. All of the horror things I just experienced in Egypt, the only person I just remember was Tessa, my girl. I believed it supposed to be the right night to purpose her. I guess it's our 10th anniversary.

"I want to tell you something, Tessa." There I said it after I paused the conversation about 10 minutes. I looked into her eyes, she was looking at me since before I did.
"I don't like it." She said, "Your bussines trip, I don't like it. I can't bear it if you're going to say something but I don't have a right to tell you how my feeling."
"Actually, Tessa, I don't want to talk about that. What I just want to tell you is," there she stopped me.
"Do you think it's not important to talk about? What am I for you, Sparrow?" She started to cry.
"If you listen to me," I was trying to make her listen, but she kept talk, "Please, Tessa, I think,"
"I don't want you to be so easy with what's going on between us. People always hate you while I'm by your side, and you turn around, there my friends had a lot of funny things about you. And, when you just gone for a long time, while I'm here all alone, I have no idea about what is the meaning of our 10th anniversary?" She started to talk so fast, "I thought we were on this relationship too long."
"Oh, really?" I asked, "And, what exactly is going on between us, Tessa? What is really going on?" 
"And now, you mad at me? I just saying we were on this date relationship too long, and," She started to do the puppy-gesture. Everytime she starts crying, she just look down to the floor, I don't know, but it seems she looks into her own hands, playing two fingers fight to each other.
"I'm not mad at you. I'm really not. You said there's something about what? Too long? What do you want, then, Tessa?" 
"You're mad at me, I knew it." She cried, always, because she always guessing my voice present feeling. "I don't want to talk about it." And, that's the end of our conversation. She decided to not talk about it.
"You didn't want to talk about it or you just made up that something so we're on this fight, right now?" 
"Why are you doing this, Sparrow?" She cried loud, "I believe it's not my fault if we're too afraid to be on the next serious relationship."
"Oh, Tessa, who said it?" I asked. 
"You did it, again. You're blaming my friends. You think my friends are not good." People from other table just looked at us.  
"Oh, please, don't cry, Tessa." This is it. I sick of her crying. "I'm not giving you any temper high-pitch voice, right?" I tried to look back to the man who keep see us, he found my eyes and he turned around. "Tessa," I rubbed her hand up on the table, "I need you to not cry for this meaningless madness fight, okay?"
"You said it on purpose," She pulled her hand and wipping again. It's not just that man but almost people on the restaurant looked at us, or her, or me. I hate it. They kept make me with the false calling. 
"You cried like a baby, Tessa. Okay, " I stood up, "You make me embarrased. I don't think I can handle it. If you keep crying like this, I think it's my fault. I think everyone here also agree it's my fault. You should leave me, now, Tessa." I looked at her and she was still crying. "It should not the man to leave the woman on their date."
"Can I stay?" She suddenly asked.
"I want to stay, please?" She asked again.
"Yes, well," I started to sit again. People still looked at us, "I don't know."  
"Can we please just talk about it?" She cried.
"No. You said you don't want to talk about it. Alright, alright. What is it, then?" People still looking at us and she still crying, "Would you stop cry?"
"Hey man. Would you stop being rude?" A man next table just interrupted.
"Well, you're her man, now?" I stood up again, "I'm leaving. Do you want to talk about it? This long relationship, you think we're too afraid to get to the next level of whatsoever, do you know what today is it?"  I showed her the ring box out from  my jaket, "Our engagement ring. I just want to ask you if you want marry me. Why are you crying?"
"I am sorry." She still crying.
"If you just listen and not just blame me for things that you still guess it, it shouldn't end like this, right?" I'm ruined. "I'm sorry, Tessa, if it's always you who being the only person who felt people hate me because misunderstanding things. You know what, let's break up. I don't want hurt you anymore, to take sides everytime, to be always choose my side when they're all just fake, because you also had the same thought as your friends, it's me who's wrong, rude to you. That's right. Ten years is not enough for you to see how much I love you, how much you're meant for me, Tessa. If you listen for me, this ring is not so wasted tonight, right?" I put the ring and the box at the table, "You've been suffered enough because of me." I walked far from the table and it's just spend less than a minute, gave the money to pay to the cashier, went out from the restaurant. I've been outside. I watched Tessa was being helped by the man next table and people around her. I cried, that time, watching how I left the woman I love behind. I left the woman alone.

It's not always good to love someone. When I said love someone, it's really mean I love her. I love Tessa. But people always  asking my temper voices, just like Tessa, they thought I'm suppose to mad just like normal people mad, when I'm not with a high-pitch voice but still saying rude things. Or maybe, I just don't know how to react exactly how people want to get from the other people. Tessa always crying. I don't even remember when she started crying ever since we're both together. I should realize my hate feeling about her crying along ago. She's crying like a baby, have I told you that one? She's very bad about it.

I was just walking and keep walking. I let this cry wasted. I never looked back. I stopped because this traffic light. I waited so I could cross the street.
"Excuse me?" A girl next to me, "You're the one who left that woman cried alone at the cafe, right?"
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I was standing across the cafe and I watched both of you fighting from  the cafe windows."
"Is it obvious?"
"Well, it's very exciting." She smiled, "I was expecting the water splash from her glass, you know?"
"I do, too." I answered and smiled, "But she's always did this remarkable things. Asking me if she could stay, I was asking her to leave me."
"Really?" She laughed. I also laughed,"What kind of human being is she?"
"I don't know. She cried  for no reason, I didn't know how to make her stop to cry, and she started saying I had a better temper, that I'm not really mad. I guess," I paused for a while, "as perfect boyfriend."
"You're not." She gave me her hand, "I'm Finny."
"I'm Sparrow. What is exactly the reason you ask me?"
"I'm a ghost."
"I wonder if I could talk to you about what just happened."
"It's a sad one. And you're joking." I laughed.
"I'm not joking. It's actually my first time a human being listen to me." She suddenly  walked through the street. It was a very high speed car and it hitted her.
"OHH GOSH!" I screamed. I shocked look at her, like she's transparant and her body kept being hit by cars. I looked around and nobody even care.
"I think nobody sees me except you, Sparrow!" She smiled.
And the traffic turned green. People started walking. I couldn't move my foot. She went out from the road and came back to me. I said, "You're a ghost."
"And it's my first time after my death." She smiled again.
"Why... Why me?" I asked.
"I guess because I moved to see your crying in front of the cafe. You must loved her."
"Her name is Tessa."
"She didn't know you cried out there."
"I guess."
"I knew." Suddenly then, she's gone.
That's my first time meeting my girlfriend ghost, Finny.


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