Do you know why it's hard to say goodbye? Because we afraid if our memories might not be able to remember them, rightly. The fact is, goodbye means good. No matter how hard.
~Aurora Esterlia

The Scientist: "I had to find you"

I could hear the call was on the line, "Abby! Baby, it's me! Darling, I am sorry, I miss..."
"This is on, Tom!" I heard her reply, she seemed surprise, "What should I say?" 
"What...?" I didn't know what she's talking about, until I heard my own voice.
"Baby, Darling, the supper's ready." I remembered that. Abby never made voice mail before. She asked me for help. She was in the bedroom, I came to her. "What is it?" I asked.
"What should I say for the voice mail greeting?" She looked at me and I just giggled, held the laugh, her face kept in wonder.
"Is that what you call it, the greeting?" I could hear the voice I was sitting on the bed next to her, "Just tell it like you couldn't answer my call."
"Oh, alright," She just right away saying, "I'm sorry, Abby is not here. Please hang up the phone."
"That's when you mad at me, Abby. you can't use that!" 
"Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm so wrong! What should I say? What?!" She just gave the phone to me that time.
"Tell it to leave the message!" I refused the phone that time. She was so nervous.
"And leave the message, please. Sorry, I'm sorry." I could hear the laughing of myself. "Tom!!!", and that's the end of the voice mail. I heard the 'BIPPP' sound, and no more her voice. I just off the phone. My heart's pounding. She never changed her voice mail since then. It's been a year. Her phone's off. Why?
"Excuse me, Nurse?" I was at the Red Cross Emergency Infirmary. "Nurse?" I called one of the nurse and one came to me, "Are you sure at the hometown, it's the afternoon?" 
"Yes, Sir, I just got called from my daughter, Lily. She was just got her first time job-interview call. She's going to get the interview after the lunch." She just walked again and gone. 
Abby never forget to call me at lunch time. Or, is she really mad at me and never want to get my call? It's my fault. I left her on the night of her birthday. Two months ago, I even didn't leave her any notes. For two months, I couldn't have a chance to send her any messages. I'm the worst boyfriend ever. I'm with the broken ribs, the blindfold, and one broken arm, hanged to the shoulder. "Excuse me, Nurse?" I called them again. 
"Yes, Mr Deans?" It's a man voice, "May I help you?"
"Please, help me for a while, I need to call my girlfriend." I gave him the phone and he grabbed it.
"Sure, Mr Deans." He just took the seat and sat next to my bed, "What's the number?" I gave him the number. I could hear the sound of 'CLICK' everytime he pushed the big military phone buttons. He suddenly in silent, "I'm sorry, Mr Deans. I couldn't reach it." He said.
"No, no. The nurse before you just with the same thing. She tried for several times, actually to reach the call." I begged.
"Alright," He said, "I'm sorry, Sir. What's the number, again?" 
I gave him her phone number again, "Please, keep call it if it's still unreachable."
"Right, Sir." He answered. He did recall it, I heard the several times of the rewind 'CLICKS' from the phone. He just put me in silent. But, he kept call it. 
"If you got the line but it's the voice mail bipping, give it to me, I would like to leave her the message." 
"Sure." He said. He kept recalling her, he reminds me of Rover. How is he, right now? Is he really take the job from Abby's father? 
"What's your name?" I asked him.
"My name is Eben, Sir." He said, "I don't think it's going to work, Sir. It's my six times." 
"Oh, really?" I just trying grab the air, "Please, I really need to call her." 
"Sir, I think you better get rest." I could hear him get up from the chair. "I will ask the nurse to change the fold, Sir."
"I need the phone!" I got angry. "Give it back, Eben!" I jumped out from the bed, my chest burned from the inside. I fell to the floor. I couldn't find him. Suddenly so many hands grab me and so many voices. "I need to call Abby... Abby.." All over my body turned so heavy and this blindfold, all the dark views, made me almost forgot when the time I'm on the dream, already.
"Abby?" I heard her voice, but all around me, it is all darkness, "Abby, is that you? I can't see." 
"Rover?" I want to see, there's Rover, too, "Rover, how are you?" 
"Abby, where are you?" 
"Rover, where are you two?" I realized they both were all around me, it's because my blindfold I couldn't see. I touched the blindfold, I let it off.
Suddenly, all the lights came into my eyes. So shiny, I couldn't find them, "Abby? Rover?" I screamed.
"I'm here." Someone grabbed my hand. I held it so tight. The hand was so soft and little, "I'm here, Tom. I'm here." It's Abby.
"Abby, I can't see. I can't see you." I cried. I held her hand and never let it go.
"I'm here, Tom." She said.
"I am so sorry I left you with sudden. I'm sorry, Abby. I know you're angry with me. I'm sorry." 
"You're not, Tom, I knew you're not leaving me." She said. "It will be alright. You must be tired, Tom."
"Yes, I am. I want to be with you, now, Abby. I just need you." 
"Come rest." She said. I felt she pulled her hand, I followed her lead and she let me nap in her lap. I never stop to hold her hand. "You're alright, now." She said.
"I love you, Abby. I just can't see you, now. I'm blind, now." 
"You're not, Tom. Don't be silly." She laughed.
"I have missed you, Abby. I don't understand how such a fool I was to leave you. I'm such a fool to see you how vunerable I am, now. I love you, Abby."
"It's alright, it's alright." She said, "You're alright, now."
"This time, this war, I failed. There was this young man, I've been known him since the start of the mission. I lost him, I killed him." I cried, "He's just so young, Abby."
"I love you, Tom." I felt she kissed my cheek.
"I saw you, Abby, I saw you at the field. I always seen you. You always there, like I could hear your voice on the dessert, and this young man just wished he could just seen you for once, he said he loved you at first time I told him about you. He wondered about your smile."
"You always said that you love the smile whenever I play my trumpet."
"We were walked under the twilight on the grassland, we watched the sunset. He asked me if he could  survived, he wished for me so we could be together again."
"You're leaving me, I know." 
"He said it's wasted so many souls just to strength the world's power. Violence and murdering are wrong. Sometimes the hatred just have to let it forget, so easy, as simply as it's easy to love."
"Tom, do not cry." Abby put her head laid at my forehead.
"He died with saying the rarest thing. He said, he seen you."
"I find you." She whispered, "I always here for you."
"That's what you always said when you're at the field. When I looked you're just shadows and dreams. You are not real, right now." 
"I love you, Tom." She said.
"I love you, too." I got up from her lap, I blinked my eyes, "And, I can see." I saw the last time Abby's face in my memories. "You are not real." I put my hand to touch her head and our foreheads met, "If only you could've really forgive me, Abby. Forgive me for be such an asshole."
"You will always love me, I know." She just said it. My dream, every night. 
"I always seen that young man was me, walking on the grassland and telling the wind about ours. How beautiful you are such the sunrise and the twilight. I want you, Abby. But, not just a dream." I sobbed, "Not like this." I hugged her, "For once, Abby, say something, silly things, that I've never predict, like you always do. I've missed you." I cried.
"I'm here, Tom." She said.
"No, you're not. No. I lost her, I lost her." I said.
And, suddenly the picture of Abby just vanished. I was all alone in my dream. I was so desperate, I knew it's war might the good reason, as my fault left her from the first time, so we broke up. It's my fault, it's my fault. I cried all alone, in my own dream.
"Have you wake up, Sir?" I woke up, I could felt the move of shadow, "It's alright, Sir. The bomb gas effect has gone. You can see, right now. Just open your eyes slowly, no rush."
"Do you mean I can see?" My heart's pounding, I kept close my eyes,"I thought I'll never see again. What's happening?"
"You've done the surgery, Sir. Everything's fine, right now." She said, "You can open your eyes."
"Are you the first nurse who helped me before?" I held her hand. I could recognise her voice.
"Please, Mr Deans, calm down."
"I can't. I really need to call her. Please!" I shouted. 
"Alright!" She screamed, "But, I need you to calm down. You've been in coma for two days. I just spend for two days to find your things. And, if you can please, be calm, Mr Deans, I will go on this conversation." She stopped talk. 
I tried to take a long deep breath. I just let her hands gone, too. I waited her.
"This," She suddenly put thing into both of my hands, "You can see,now, Mr Deans, you could see it by yourself." 
"Is it my phone?" I asked. I touched all around that thing. I tried to opened my eyes. I've been blind for two weeks. Everything looks so bright, "I don't think it's going to work." I kept my eyes closed.
"It's just a second, Mr Deans." She replied.
"Where's the doctor?" I asked, "I need the doctor, why wasn't the doctor who asking?"
"You're not allowed to get any electronic devices, Sir. I wish you can have a brave step to do without the doctor, if you want to call your girlfriend." She explained. She was clearly with the power tone, "We don't have much time, actually. Once someone realizes the drug has off from you in this time, they will come, Sir."
I listened to her, I started to open my eyes again. It's so bright fir seconds, my eyes just watered. But, then I could see. Firstly, all were blurred. But, everything's clear, now. I saw her, the nurse.
"I can see you." I said.
"Sure, young man." she smiled. "Go on, your phone."
I looked my hands. My phone. It was full battery, I looked again to the old woman, she charged it, already.  I didn't find any messages.
"You should see your all log boxes." She said. I just followed her saying.
There were about hundreds missed calls. From Abby's call. 
"She's waiting for you." She smiled again.
"Thank you." I said. I've missed her voice, the very first thing on my mind, I just want to hear her voice.
I played the voice mail.
"You have thirty one voice mails," and here comes the "BIPPP" sound, "Tom, I know you're there. Please, answer my call." "I'm not good at this. I'm worried about you. Call me." "I forgot to tell you, be save, alright?" "Tom, Tom, Tom? Oh, this is so silly." "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" "I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't mean that. Please, call me." "You're a great soldier, right? I saw all your stuffs, you're not here. I don't need your permission. You have a lot of medals. That means you'll be good in survival. Okay..." "I just watched this movie about soldier... Please, don't die. Tom, please, answer my phone." "I just want to hear you're fine. anyone?" "I guess you miss Rover, Tom? He came to see me this afternoon. I think he's going to take the mission. Tom, I..." "I don't know why I'm crying, right now. Tom, I don't want this feeling... Come back, please." "Tom, are we break up?" "I think we should breakup. Alright, we should. I won't call you." "Tom... Rover's leaving tomorrow. The civil war will be declare on that land. Many people will die with that chemical weapon....But, I can't loose him, too. I can't." "Tom, they said you're gone. Oh, God, please, answer the phone. Tom, please answer the phone, please." "He found you, thank God, I'm so relieved. I'm so relieved. I'm sorry, I cried like this, Tom, I know you'll be fine. Just, come home, soon." "Tom, my father won't tell about how are you, now. Silly me, this phone even might gone, already." "...." " ...." " ...." " ...." "Tom, I will go after Rover. My father said something, I shouldn't hear. He said something about Rover, Tom. Someone's coming." "...I spend my nights at your apartment. I will leave home, soon." "Tom, do you miss me?..." " I put our picture together at your apartment. I will bring Rover home. I promise." "Tom, This is my last night..." "...." "Did you hear it, Tom? I will get Rover..." "Tom, we're break up, right? Well, you should forget me, right? You should get a girl out there, better than me, hotter than me. Just forget about me. I let you go, Tom. Goodbye." "Hello, Is this Mr Tom Deans? This is the officer from airport security department. I believe one of your friend has left the phone. We will keep the lost things until 30 days. Please come to the department, soon." "Hello, who is it? Hello... Father, this phone is so cool, I think it's expensive. Father, can I have it? ..." "So, I will keep the phone, Mr Deans. I think this phone is important for you. Please call me in..." and that's the end of the all. 

I had to find her.


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